Reducing Caregiver Stress

Hello and welcome to EPOCH Exchange, the podcast where we have real conversations about senior life, senior living, dementia care, and the amazing people who make it all happen. My name is Erica Labb. I am Director of Team Member Engagement and Culture at EPOCH Senior Living, the premier senior living provider in the Northeast. 

And I’m Sarah Turcotte, Area Community Liaison for several of our Bridges by EPOCH and Waterstone Communities. Together we’ll be your hosts, bringing you stories, insights, and expert voices from across our organization and beyond. Whether you’re a caregiver, a family member, a professional, somebody navigating the early stages of dementia, or somebody considering assisted living, this podcast probably has something for you. We’re here to share what we’ve learned. Spotlight the work happening every day in senior care and offer ideas and inspiration to support wellbeing at every stage of aging. 

And each episode will be joined by guests who are making a difference from community leaders, to care team members and clinical experts. And for today’s podcast we’ll be discussing, recognizing, and reducing caregiver stress. So, we’re so excited to welcome Amy Murray. She is Executive Director of Bridges by EPOCH in Andover. Amy has more than a decade of experience in the field of senior living management and operations. She’s served in executive director roles at several senior living communities throughout New England, and we’re so very lucky to have her at EPOCH Senior Living. She has a proven track record of delivering exceptional results and has a demonstrated and unwavering commitment to excellence in care, customer service, and operational success in senior living. Amy holds a degree in healthcare administration from Southern New Hampshire University and has a diverse background in both senior living and business development. And we are so thrilled to have you on the show today, Amy. Thank you. 

Thank you both for having me. I’m glad to be here. 

A pleasure. So let’s get right into it. So today we’re gonna be talking about recognizing caregiver stress, burnout. So, we want to talk about those early stages of becoming a caregiver. So can you share some ways caregivers are impacted when they begin caregiving for a loved one, and how does their life change? 

Sure. I would say they, most of them feel just thrust into a situation that they’ve never navigated before, which can cause so much stress on them, emotionally, physically, and having that new role that they haven’t navigated before. 

Yeah. The role that maybe they didn’t know was coming, right.? 

So just, you know, talking about the day-to-day changes, you know, as you said, someone can be thrusted into this, oftentimes people are thrown into these situations. Can you just share a little bit, you know, when people, sometimes people don’t even identify as a caregiver, so if you could just share a little bit as to the day-to-day things that come up for a caregiver and what they go through being a direct family member caregiver? 

That’s a great point. Saying that they may not even realize they’re a caregiver. Let’s just use an example as I’m a daughter and now I’m caring for my mom. I’ve always been the daughter, not the caregiver. Now suddenly, my roles are changing without me realizing and I’m losing that daughter piece. 

Mm-hmm. 

And what’s so important about that piece and holding on more of the planner, the how do I deal with doctor’s appointments? How do I deal with, um, the changes in personality and everything else that goes along, um, with the disease? 

Yeah. It’s such a good point because it’s a double whammy, right? Like, slowly you start taking on more, like you said, without even realizing it. But then it’s like often, not always, but can be the loss of what the relationship had been in the other role. So, it’s like twofold at the same time. 

And then just becoming, like you said, the day-to-day eyes and ears and heart of, you know, navigating your loved one’s care needs. And it can oftentimes just come with a whirlwind, right? You’re now navigating someone’s day to day and managing all of those things that come with it. 

Yes. And still your own life. So, trying to balance and figure out all the dynamics and figuring out how, when enough’s enough. 

Yeah. 

Right? How to put yourself still first in a very tough situation with someone that has high level needs. 

And that’s hard to, to identify sometimes because there’s a lot of emotional and physical tolls that caregivers are taking on. Right? 

Absolutely. 

So, can you just share what some of these roles or day-to-day things that caregivers are taking over that they’re just thinking, “hey, this is just part of the job.” They don’t even realize that they’re taking on some of these things. 

Sure. So, you’re looking at every activity of daily living. That, again, let’s pretend I’m the daughter. How is your loved one doing as far as bathing, dressing, doing the basic brushing your teeth? How are they eating? Are they doing their cooking? Are they telling you they’re cooking, but really, you see the food’s rotting in the refrigerator? So, looking at the host of what we do every day from getting up in the morning to going to bed at night that we take for granted, that’s just easy to do. And what happens a lot with these caregivers too is they’re not, they didn’t realize how, how bad it was. Right? 

Yeah. We talk about that a lot. And I know, you know, primarily you work with folks with dementia, right? 

Yes. 

So memory care needs, but this is really like 

Any caregiver. 

Any caregiver, right, that could relate to this. 

Mm-hmm.  

Whether you’re caring for, generally we speak of seniors, but all sorts of folks that we’re caring for. Um, but we often see around the holidays, if, or if you, if you live far away and then you see your parents and you’re like, oh my God, like when I asked you if you’re taking your meds and you’re like, yeah, of course, honey. You know, and then you look and the pill box hasn’t been filled in, you know, six weeks or whatever, and you’re like shocked, right? 

Yeah. 

Like that surprise. And then realizing that there’s a situation and then sort of taking on that role of 

All of these roles. 

All of these roles. 

All of the day to day. And it’s constantly always being on, like you were saying. 

Mm-hmm. 

A lot of these caregivers are managing their own day to day, and now they’re managing the day-to-day of someone else on top of everything they’re already juggling. I mean, can you share a little bit about how that can be emotionally taxing for someone to always be on as a caregiver? 

Emotionally taxing can then affect your own physical health, right? 

Mm-hmm. 

So one of the big things is guilt. So talking about going to visit at the holidays and suddenly you see Mom said she was taking her meds, but she hasn’t been. Mom said she was eating well, she really hasn’t been. Then what sets in? Guilt. 

Guilt, yeah. 

`Because why didn’t I see this? Why didn’t I know? I should have done better. I should have. So that guilt is key at what we see at the beginning when caregivers are reaching out for help, is I’m so guilty, I’m so stressed. And emotionally, again, it’s that barrier of being able to just be that daughter, that son, that spouse, because now the burden of every little need is in front of them. 

And then we’ve seen that, I think all of us through EPOCH senior living and the experiences we’ve had, like really impact the physical wellness Of the caregiver, whoever that is, often the spouse, like their, their quality of life changes and shifts and we’ll sort of talk about that and how to address it, but also like maybe their physical health and wellness and emotional wellness really slips which then impacts the person you feel guilty about. 

Yes. 

About not caring for. 

And that’s why it’s so important when we tell caregivers, you really need to still put yourself first. 

Yes. So, I wanna talk about that. So, before we get into that, let’s talk about for folks that are caregivers at home, all of us that are caregivers, what are we looking for for signs of burnout? So ’cause we wanna catch it before it like blows up or there’s a catastrophic event. So, what are some symptoms we can look for that some, a caregiver, whether they’re in the home or wherever, is maybe approaching a place where it’s too much. 

So are they now starting to isolate themselves? Do they not wanna go out and do the things that they’d normally do? You know, feeling bits of depression, anxiety, things that they didn’t maybe deal with before that suddenly they’re starting to feel on a daily basis. 

Right. 

We oftentimes will hear people, their sleep is being affected. Like you were saying, socially retracting 

Yeah. Weight loss from not eating enough. 

Mm-hmm. Yep. Physical, emotional. 

Yeah. How do we as caregivers, if we’re feeling burnt out, give ourselves a break, what are some ways that, like what does that mean? How does, how might that look for somebody that’s a caregiver? I know you see it a lot and you’re, and part of your role, to be fair, is like to offer people a way to get that break. 

Yes. 

But when you’re educating folks that are not living in a community, a senior living community yet, or not at that place, how do you, ’cause we do a lot of education and support at home, how do you help people take a break? What does that mean to get a break from it? 

So looking at your circle, right? It may start with your, just your immediate family and to be okay and know it’s okay to ask for help. 

Mm-hmm. 

It could be as small as I just need to do grocery shopping for an hour 

Totally. 

To walk alone through the aisle 

Get my hair done 

Get my hair done, you know, go outside and sip a cup of tea. 

Yeah. 

I mean, it could be anything, but making sure you’re putting that as a priority, a focus 

And that that’s Okay. 

And it’s okay. Don’t feel guilty about that because you cannot be a good caregiver unless you’re doing well. 

The old oxygen mask. 

Yeah. 

Mm-hmm. 

Put it on yourself first and then on your loved ones, you know, and the airplane, they say put it on yourself and everyone else. 

Right. 

Because you, that it’s not selfish to do that. Yeah. 

I think about the caregivers that oftentimes don’t give themselves the permission, because a lot of times, like you said, people are ridden with guilt that they find it hard to give themselves and grant themselves that permission. 

Yeah. 

And what would you share to a caregiver that’s having a really hard time allowing themselves this time? 

So first that, this is normal. 

The burnout? 

The burnout. 

Yeah. 

And it’s okay to say, “I need help.” Like in anything in life, right? When you’re struggling, it is okay to ask for that time. 

If you don’t, I think you get resentful. 

Mm. 

Like you resent the person 

Your relationship changes even more. 

Right. And then they become the source of you’re like, angry because you have that resentment. I think like, that’s so important because you, your life has shifted. Like yes, it’s shifting, and so when you take that time, like when someone says, “Hey, is there anything I can do?” We often say, “oh, no, no, no. I got it.” Right? Like, I’m such a hero. I got it. 

Right. 

But just say like 

It doesn’t make you a hero. 

No, it’s not. 

You’re gonna collapse. 

You’re gonna collapse. And to say, like, when that friend calls and says, “is there anything I can do?” Yeah. 

Yes. 

Can I give you a grocery list and 50 bucks and can you just go get a few things at the store for me? Like that’s a great way. Or like Yeah. I have like five loads of laundry to fold. Can you come over and we’ll talk and fold laundry? Like it’s okay to ask for those things. 

Absolutely. And for the people listening that may be a friend to a caregiver, sometimes just knowing how hard it is for that person to say, yes please. I could use a meal, I could use, you know, that half hour of you just sitting here so I can get outta the house. Most people aren’t going to ask. So, if you’re a friend of a caregiver 

Right. 

Just come out and say, hey, I’m coming over tomorrow. What do you want to do? This is, I’m bringing something, so please tell me what you want. 

Right. And we’re gonna fold laundry and do dishes. 

Yeah 

Totally. That’s such a great point, ’cause we do that when someone has a baby, right? We’re like, oh, get, make a whatever. 

Meal train 

Meal train whatever it is 

Yeah. 

Yeah. 

The meal train. And like, we can do that. That was such a great point that, that you can as the friend of someone 

Exactly. 

And the community. And we’re gonna talk about the importance, importance of community, but as a community member to this friend that’s taking care of someone, like we can do that for seniors too. 

Yeah. 

And for caregivers of, of somebody, not just someone who just had a baby or just had surgery. It’s like, this person is going to be a caregiver for quite a while. 

Yeah. 

So what can we do to support them instead of asking, telling, I’m coming by on Thursday. 

That’s what I’m doing. 

I love that. 

And help give them the permission to give themselves that time. 

Yeah. That it’s okay and it’s normal. And we’re gonna talk about that as a little as we get into like what the community can do, sort of that community impact. 

And I just wonder too, you know, whether you’re a friend of a caregiver or a caregiver themselves, you know, we’re talking about how to recognize  and deal with this type of stress, but what can caregivers do? You know, what suggestions or ideas can we give to caregivers that are gonna be strategies to really reduce the stress that they’re experiencing? Can you lend any insight on that? 

Just like, in my community, what we do for residents looking at all areas of wellness, right? 

Mm-hmm. 

You wanna make sure as a caregiver, you’re looking at, you mentioned it before, Sarah, your sleep. 

Mm-hmm. 

How are you eating? You know, make sure you’re drinking a lot of water. Take care of your body, get out and move. Even if it’s 15 minutes walking outside. 

Yeah. 

Try to make sure you’re looking at your physical, you know, your nutrition. And also if it is just something emotionally that you’re struggling with, what do you love to do? What’s something, it doesn’t have to be a major hobby, but do you just like to go sit outside and watch the birds? 

Right. 

For, for 15 minutes so that you can just decompress and, and make sure you’re getting all areas of wellness taken care of. 

Yeah. And I think like, not being afraid of seeking out therapy or support group ’cause they’re out there. 

Mm-hmm. 

You know, I know. You do a support, we hold support groups 

And that’s where community comes into, right? So, if you’re taking care of yourself physically, that other piece is, it doesn’t mean you have to do it on your own when it comes to education, so many just don’t have the knowledge of how to do this, again, ’cause they’ve been thrown into it. You know, you can seek education. We offer that in our community, support groups or if you’re not into, if you’re uncomfortable in groups talking about things or, or getting that support. Sometimes it’s having someone connect you with another individual that’s going through a similar situation that you can have maybe one-to-one conversations if they’re more comfortable. 

Mm-hmm. Learning how they’re dealing with their day-to-day stress 

Yeah tips 

And routines and tips that are helping them. 

Yeah then it makes you feel like you’re not alone. 

You’re not alone. And our friends at McLean say like, find two other caregivers to interact with. Like, right. So, you have that sense of community to, sometimes you just need to vent, right? 

Mm-hmm. 

You can’t vent to the person. You know, if you’re a spouse caring for your spouse, like you cannot vent to them. I’m sorry, those days are over. Like, find somebody else to vent to. And sometimes it’s helpful to talk to somebody who’s going through it in a similar way. You feel less alone, you feel sort of validated 

Absolutely. 

In your feelings. And I think that’s really powerful for folks. But you touch on something like knowledge is power. And when we, most times when someone becomes a caregiver, they don’t know, they haven’t prepared for this. Like, we have ’cause it’s our career, right? 

Right. 

This is what we do. But for so many of us, all of a sudden there’s a diagnosis or a change in behavioral symptoms or something and we’re like, oh my gosh. Like now I am the primary caregiver, but I have not been trained on this. So now you need the books. Now you need EPOCH or other, you know, the Alzheimer’s Association or whoever you’re reaching out to for help. Like now you need the knowledge. And you have to catch up because you weren’t preparing for this. 

Right. 

So, in talking about caregivers, you know, it can be really hard for a caregiver to set some realistic boundaries, especially when they feel like everything is depending on them, right? So, what would you say to a caregiver who’s feeling guilty or is having a hard time setting realistic boundaries, you know, utilizing respite care, accepting help. What is the advice you’re giving families to this? 

So, letting them know that it’s okay to set the boundaries. It’s not wrong. There’s no reason to feel guilty about it. And also trying to figure out with them what has their life been looking like day to day doing the caregiving and focusing on the positives with them. 

Mm. 

So having that empathy, listening, okay, this is what I’ve been going through. This is the stress of the situation and saying to them, good job. 

Yeah. 

You’ve been doing a great job. People don’t need to be told, here’s step one, here’s step two, this is what you need to do. That’s not what people are looking for. 

Mm. 

It’s kind of like confirmation that, okay, I’m doing this. 

Yeah. 

And I have been doing okay. 

Mm-hmm. 

And giving them that support. And again, like I said, the empathy to sit, listen. And sometimes that’s all they need is to release a little bit and then recommend. 

Yeah, right. 

Now, here’s, here’s a boundary, here’s how you can 

It’s really great advice not only for caregivers, but as we were saying before, if you’re a friend or family member of a caregiver is helping people get there. 

Yeah. And we see this a lot with like sibling groups. So, say like the example of like, mom and then there’s like siblings. One sibling is often the like, kind of high impact provider. They’re, maybe they’re close in proximity or the relationship is super close. And so, then the other siblings are sort of like, you know, Monday morning quarterbacking or couch coaching or whatever. And so, like helping 

We see that a lot. 

Yeah. We do see that a lot, and so, and that, and sometimes that’s our role is to say like, so what are your, how are your siblings helping you? 

Yes. 

Like, why don’t we invite them in to talk about how they might help you, rather than undermine what’s happening. Like, so when we talk about boundaries, it’s like inviting assistance and sometimes it takes sharing with someone how they might invite assistance. Like, sometimes people just really don’t know what to do, or they like make assumptions like, oh, you wanna do this, or you’re better at this. Instead of being like, oh, well how can I 

Yeah. 

What can I do? 

And conversation starters, right? 

Right. 

Mm-hmm. 

We can help the caregiver find the right ways to start the conversation. 

Right. 

Just tips on, you know 

Since you see a lot of it. 

Here’s a tip on how to ask your sister to 

Right. 

To come in more often or 

Right. 

Tell her what you need in a nice way. 

Right. Right. And I think we’ve done quite a bit of that. 

Mm-hmm. And sometimes I think, and Erica, you can dive into it, but sometimes it’s not just leaning on your family, but really leaning on community, ’cause sometimes I think some families, I think most families 

Family dynamics. 

Often come with dynamics. 

Yeah. 

So, sometimes you might need to lean on community. 

Yeah. So can you share experiences you’ve had, you’ve witnessed with families with either support groups or sort of communal support? 

Oh, my goodness. One of my favorite things to watch is someone that comes in looking for help. We give them the information on our support group. They get up the nerve to join, and then they’re there every single time we have, we offer it. And not only do they get something from it, but they recommend it to others. 

Mm-hmm. 

In our community, maybe other family members they have created relationships with or whatnot. But watching that blossoming of confidence in, okay, yeah. I got this. 

Yeah. 

I can do this. And watching people go through literally years that they may not even feel like they really need that support anymore, but they’ve grown to just trust it and you know, foster that 

And then they’re like the mentors. 

Oh, yeah. 

Yeah. 

And that’s so cool. 

Sometimes, you know, even when their loved one has passed, they say, I miss this because it is, it’s that community. It’s that I’m not alone. 

Right. 

And sharing resources. 

Yes. 

And these are offered in person. 

In person or online. 

Online. Yep. So, there’s like lots of ways to engage. I think a lot of people are like nervous because of you know the word support group. 

Yes. 

It’s like so vulnerable. 

Yes. Like, I have to open up, I have to bear my soul. 

Yes. 

And a tip we, we tell people is you may not share the first time. 

Mm. 

Just sit, listen, see what, what it’s all about. You’re not forced to speak. You’re not forced to share. 

Mm. 

And then when they’re comfortable 

Yeah. 

They start to open up. 

I think you kind of start to see people that you can relate to. 

Yeah. 

You’re always gonna see people and be like, oh, that’s, we’re not there yet. You know, and it’s like scary a little bit, right? Like, but getting the help doesn’t mean things are gonna get bad. Or like, everybody’s story’s different. 

Mm. 

And everybody’s journey different, yeah, experience of whatever disease it is, is different. 

What’s interesting in the support groups though, is when someone hears something for the first time that someone’s sharing in a group and they thought they were the only ones that were dealing with it. 

Yes. 

That aha moment of, oh my gosh, this is happening to someone else. This is, and that’s when it starts to work. 

Yeah. 

That’s when it really starts to work for them. 

That’s the collaboration. This is how we got through this. 

Right. 

And it’s sharing the ideas and not recreating the wheel, and again, sharing the resources as to what helped. And as you said earlier, Erica, folks might not be at a certain place or stage that other caregivers are, but it’s education, you know, what to look for 

For the future. 

Signs and symptoms and how we can approach it to have the, you know, better outcomes. 

Right. Yeah. It’s so interesting. I, you almost can like witness the like physical relief or release 

Mm-hmm. Yeah. 

Like when that happens or when you as a provider, like they come in and they say, my mom’s doing this, and you’re like, I’ve seen that. And they’re like, Ugh. Like they were almost embarrassed to talk about it. It’s like, no, no, no. Like this is a thing and it’s okay. And I think that’s like one of the richest parts about coming to someone like you, is like, you’ve seen a lot. And so, you can like reassure them that like, hey, this is part of it and you’re doing well and keep at it and we’re gonna be there to support you. So, I’d love to hear if there’s any, you know, I know Bridges offers like support groups. What are some other resources? Like would someone just come in and like talk to someone? Like would they call and what are some other resources that are out there that you know of? 

So they absolutely can call Bridges. 

Okay. 

Even if they’re not looking for the immediate placement of someone in a community, we never let them go and we hold onto them to really give them just that guidance that they need. 

It’s all free education and support group. 

Free education, support. We even will say, Hey, bring your loved one into an activity if that’s appropriate, while you can sit in the support group. 

And learn. Yeah. That’s so great. 

So, we’re just looking to help. We’re looking as a community to say, you know, if for, for me it’s like memory care, right? 

Yeah. 

That we’re focused on, but you’re not alone. Even if you’re not looking right now for a place that we’re here to guide you, we’re here to be your community, your support, as you said, free of charge. Other places, you know, we might be able to help them navigate out in the community if there’s, if it is memory care, the Alzheimer’s Association is a great resource. So, kind of pointing them in the direction of where they can get more information as well. 

Awesome. 

It’s my favorite part about EPOCH is truly being a resource to these families no matter what. And you’re really great at it, Amy. And I would just love for folks, before we sign off, if you could just, you’re wonderful at helping families and how did you fall into this? You know, what led you into being the passionate caregiver guider that you are? 

Well, I actually started in sales for senior living. And it was a friend of a friend that worked for a company. I was listening to it. We were just talking casually about, oh, what do you do for a living? What do you do for a living? At that time, I was in real estate title, which 

Wow. 

Very different industry, and I always had just a feeling that I wanna go to work every day, but feel like I’m making a difference. And listening to this woman that worked in senior living, I thought, wow, that sounds so exciting, but I probably could never do that. I don’t have experience. I don’t. And what she told me is, you just need the passion and a heart. 

It’s true. 

And, and people will talk to you, they’ll interview you. And the rest is history. No regrets. It’s the truth. If you have that passion, I encourage anyone, get out there and see what opportunities are out there to help others. 

Well, you have the passion and the heart. Amy Murray, Executive Director of Bridges by EPOCH in Andover, Massachusetts. Thank you for joining EPOCH Exchange. 

Thank you ladies. 

Yes, where we are people caring for people. So thank you Amy. 

Thank you so much. 

So much 

Pleasure. 

Until the next time, thank you for joining us on the EPOCH Exchange. 

Thanks Folks.