If you are an adult child with aging parents, you may be noticing that they’re slowing down and starting to require a little extra help. Even if your parents are healthy, active and completely independent, you may have asked yourself: what’s going to happen to them when they get older?
“No one really likes to think about their parents getting older and having to make hard decisions on their behalf,” says Trish McKay, Executive Director of Bridges® by EPOCH at Trumbull, a Memory Care Assisted Living community in Trumbull, CT. “However, it’s important to remember that you, as their adult child, will more than likely end up handling much of their future needs whether or not you plan for it. In order to ensure their safety, and reduce the stress for you and your family members, there are some serious conversations that need to happen in order to set plans and have a common understanding of your aging parents’ futures.”
Trish says that the best time to have these conversations are when your parents are moderately healthy and independent because then it can feel more like an actual conversation instead of an argument or a set of demands. “Waiting until something actually goes wrong can create a situation that’s fraught with emotion and hard feelings,” she says. “As with most things in life, it’s better to plan ahead well in advance, so when an issue does arise, there’s no confusion about what needs to happen.”
Having conversations sooner rather than later also gives your aging parents the opportunity to be in the “driver’s seat,” so to speak. “Every one of us wants to be in control of our lives and have the opportunity to have the final say on decisions that affect us personally,” Trish explains. “In a perfect world, your parents will initiate these conversations with you and will have already thought through everything related to their future care and needs. However, if that’s not the case for your situation, starting sooner will help you lay a foundation of support and trust that will give your parents confidence and the feeling like they are in control.”
Which, she says, they should be – as much as possible.
Trish also notes that it’s important to remember that these conversations won’t be just one-time discussions. Many of these conversations listed below will require additional conversations and planning sessions. The important thing, though, is to start by asking these questions and setting up the framework for future plans. Here are some of the most important conversations adult children should be having with their aging parents.
The Financial Conversation
Discussing finances with your parents can be a little awkward, especially if it’s not something you’ve ever spoken about before. Nonetheless, understanding your parents’ financial situation will be a great help to you and will also lay much of the groundwork for further discussions to come. As you begin this conversation with your parents, here are questions you should ask in order to make sure you (and they) have a clear picture:
- Are you currently working with a financial advisor? A financial advisor who is experienced in elder law will be an excellent resource for your parents as they plan for future care, estates, taxes and the like. Hopefully, your parents are already working with someone. If so, be sure you know who they are and the correct contact information. If they aren’t working with someone, talk to them about finding a professional in the near future to get the process started.
- What is the information for all your accounts/retirement savings/stocks/etc.? Have your parents put all their financial information in a safe and singular place, like a bank box or somewhere in their home (with copies being sent to their financial advisor or power of attorney). Everything related to their financial assets, including deeds to property, car notes, bank account information, etc., should go here so everyone knows where everything is.
- Do you have a financial power of attorney set up? A power of attorney allows a trusted individual to make financial decisions on behalf of your parents if they are unable to make decisions for themselves.
The Long-Term Care Conversation
As we age, it becomes harder and harder to do things like walk up the stairs, drive a car, handle yard maintenance and the like. Health issues are also more prevalent as we age, which can result in weakened abilities and other issues. Having conversations about health and long-term care can be scary, but it also is a chance to start putting plans in place so that your parents are in control of their health and can make decisions that are best for them now and in the future.
- What is your health situation? Understanding your parents’ health issues and potential complications can help all of you plan for the future.
- What’s the situation like in your house? If your parents are active and healthy, they may be perfectly fine to live in their current home. However, if they’re finding it more and more difficult to take care of things – or if they simply don’t want to – it may be worth discussing downsizing or moving into a senior living community.
- What do you want to happen when you can no longer live safely at home? This can be a very emotionally charged situation, especially with older seniors who want to “live at home until I die.” Work with your parents to research different care options, whether that’s hiring in-home caregivers when necessary, making modifications to their existing home to make it safer for aging adults or researching senior living communities in their area.
- Do you have a healthcare power of attorney set up? Like a financial power attorney, a healthcare power of attorney allows a trusted individual to make decisions on behalf of your parents about their health and medical care, if they are unable to do so for themselves.
The End-of-Life Conversation
- Do you have a last will and testament? No matter how big or little your parents’ estate may be, having a will is essential for helping things move smoothly. The last thing you want is for a long, complicated and drawn-out process in the probate court because nothing official was set down in accordance with your parents’ wishes.
- What are your end-of-life wishes? A living will is a document that helps indicate personal choices about end-of-life care and other personal aspects to the end-of-life process. Do your parents have a DNR? What sort of measures would they like to take in the event of an accident, critical illness or the like? Your parents can also list out their desires for a funeral and other delicate matters.
These “grown-up conversations” aren’t very fun, and they are not easy topics to bring up – however, starting these discussions early will give both you and your aging parents the chance to make plans, come to agreements and feel confident about the future, no matter what it may hold.
Dedicated Memory Care
Bridges® by EPOCH at Trumbull delivers highly specialized memory care assisted living for those with Alzheimer’s disease or other forms of dementia. Our resident-centered approach focuses on providing dignity, purpose and moments of joy in daily life for those in all stages of the disease. We offer a wellness-focused lifestyle that centers around a resident’s current skills and abilities, not those that have been lost to dementia.
Life-Enriching Programs
Our team members take an active role in getting to know each resident on a personal level to deliver programming that is meaningful to them. We account for the preferences, interests, needs and abilities of our residents to connect with them and encourage their involvement in daily life and boost self-esteem.
Warm, Residential Atmosphere
Featuring a stunning residential design, every inch of our community has been designed to benefit those with memory loss. Attributes such as soft colors, directional cues, aromatherapy and interactive life stations create a soothing and secure environment where residents feel comfortable, safe and at home.
Contact us today to learn more.