Dementia affects more than just the individual and their caretaker. It also affects their entire circle of friends and family members. If you’re not a caregiver yourself, but you’re married to someone who is, you may find yourself wondering how you can help lighten the load.
“Since dementia really is a family matter, you will find yourself providing support to your spouse in a very unique way,” says Devon Sicard, Executive Director of Bridges® by EPOCH at Pembroke, a memory care assisted living community in Pembroke, MA. “While you’re not directly caregiving, you will be intimately involved in the situation, even more so than other family members. You may find yourself managing emotions and feelings that you wouldn’t have expected. And you will also find yourself a shoulder to lean on when times get tough for your spouse.”
In a perfect world, you and your spouse would have plenty of support and a large group of family members who are working together to support a loved one. Unfortunately, that’s not always the case, and relationships and emotions can throw a wrench in even the most well-oiled machines. As a spouse, you may find yourself in a position where you’d dearly like to provide your opinion or support, but for whatever reason, it’s not welcome.
“The most important thing to focus on, besides making sure that your loved one’s needs are met, is the relationship between you and your spouse,” says Devon. “You are first and foremost a partnership, and that bond should be protected throughout the caregiving journey. It will be your support and lifeline through the good days and the bad.”
If your spouse has become a caregiver to an aging parent and you’re wondering how best to support him or her, here are some expert tips to guide you through this unfamiliar territory and be the best helpmate possible:
Research and understand the situation you’re in.
Two heads are better than one, and that goes double when it comes to learning about the medical issues and tasks that your spouse is dealing with. Having the fundamental knowledge will help you better support your spouse and provide valuable, informed input. This can take a stress off your spouse’s shoulders to a degree, since he or she won’t have to be the sole keeper of information and completely adrift when it comes to considering care and medical decisions.
Provide emotional support.
Turning to our spouse when we need assurance, to vent or to gain comfort is a given in a marriage. This emotional support will become even more important during the caregiving journey. Your spouse will be under a lot of stress, and you may find your own stress rising as you listen to him or her complain about the situation, worry over potential scenarios or need a shoulder to cry on. The traditional wedding vows talk about being there “in sickness and in health, in good times and in bad.” Show your spouse that you’re there for them in every way possible while also providing the care, love and devotion they need. You are your spouse’s safe haven, and that’s a very important role.
Be a part of the team.
Caregiving is a 24/7 job, and one of the best things you can do for your spouse is help reduce the workload. This can be done by doing things yourself or helping to coordinate with other friends and family members. It doesn’t have to be directly related to caring for your loved one, either. There are many daily tasks that can become an overlooked nuisance when your days are consumed by caregiving. Take care of the details so your spouse can focus on caregiving.
Be your spouse’s advocate.
Many caregivers end up sacrificing their own needs for the needs of their loved one. They can also stretch themselves too thin and lose sight of the personal sacrifices they’re making. This can stem from guilt, pride, relationship struggles or any other variety of emotions. Your spouse may not advocate for his or her needs – which is where you come in. By helping your spouse set and respect boundaries for their role as caregiver is difficult, but it can be invaluable when it comes to providing for their health and happiness. (And yours, too.)
Make time for romance.
Romance may be the furthest thing on your or your spouse’s mind at this point, which is why it’s so important to prioritize it and find ways to nurture your relationship. Set aside a regular time for just the two of you, whether that’s a date night out or movies and snuggling in. Of course, romance is in the little gestures too. A kiss, shoulder massage or hug can go a long way to helping soothe the both of you and bring your most important relationship – your marriage – into the forefronts of your mind.
Communicate, communicate, communicate.
The best way to support and stay connected to your spouse is by communicating. It’s important for both of you to talk about your concerns, plans for the future, your emotions and everything else that’s on your mind. It’s very easy to make assumptions about how the other person is thinking or feeling if you aren’t communicating. Intentionally keep the lines of communication open. Consider having a standing meeting between the two of you to discuss the month ahead, or anything else that’s on your mind. It’s up to you, but as long as you both communicate with each other, it will make the caregiving journey that much easier.
Even though this time can be trying and difficult, don’t let the daily stresses and frustrations undermine the relationship and love you and your spouse have for each other. This is the time for you to join hands, support one another and show just how much your marriage means to you.
Expert, Life-Enriching Memory Care
Bridges® by EPOCH at Pembroke provides memory care assisted living that is comfortable, positive, safe and engaging. Exclusively dedicated to caring for those with Alzheimer’s disease and other forms of dementia, our community promotes a wellness-focused lifestyle that emphasizes dignity and individual preferences. Our memory care professionals receive specialized, ongoing training designed to help residents maximize their independence in a secure, calm environment – making a truly positive impact on the lives of our residents.
Inspiring Programs for All Stages
Bridges® by EPOCH at Pembroke’s services are designed to recognize and adapt to the unique challenges and individuality of each resident, while ensuring comfort and safety. We believe in a full-service approach to care and provide personalized attention and programming for residents in every stage of memory loss.
Purposefully Designed Community
Within a beautiful residential design, Bridges® by EPOCH at Pembroke provides everything residents with Alzheimer’s disease and other forms of dementia need to enjoy comfort, familiarity and security. Soft colors, directional cues, aromatherapy and interactive life stations create a soothing and secure environment where residents feel at home.