It’s hard when adult children have to step into the role of caregiver for their aging parents. It can become even more difficult if you have siblings who are also involved.
“Siblings can be a great source of support, but at the same time, they can also be one of your biggest stressors,” says Trish McKay, Executive Director of Bridges® by EPOCH at Trumbull, a Memory Care Assisted Living community in Trumbull, CT. “A lot of times, people end up reverting inadvertently to the roles they had in their family as children. Unfortunately, sibling rivalry can be a real thing when it comes to caregiving your loved one. It’s one of the downsides of caregiving teams – the more people involved, the greater your chance for disagreements and power struggles.”
Trish says that you may find yourself subconsciously competing with your siblings for approval, love or other feelings related to your parents. “Even if you aren’t conscious of these feelings, it will affect the way you deal with your siblings and your parents,” she says. “This is especially true when emotions get high and you find yourself arguing over something comparatively small, like who’s going to drive Mom to her appointment that day.”
It’s important to remember that when stress and tensions run high for you, it can also be stressful for your senior loved one, and their quality of care can decrease. “It’s hard to provide consistent care when everyone has different agendas,” says Trish. “I remind families all the time that ultimately, what matters most is caring for your senior loved one. Keeping that in mind is a great way for you and your siblings to work towards a common goal.”
So how can you get there? If you and your siblings find yourself sniping and squabbling at each other, here are some ideas for how you can find a common vision and improve your caregiving.
Have an ultimate goal.
According to psychologist Eduardo Salas, who specializes in teamwork, there are seven key team components for maintaining a strong team. The most important of these is having a shared vision. Having an ultimate goal means knowing where you need to be, and allows you to more clearly plot out how to get there. Everyone on your caregiving team should clearly understand the state of your parent’s needs and abilities, as well as the challenges he or she faces, in order to come up with a cohesive plan of care.
One example of this is discussing the needs of a parent of dementia. One family member may think Mom is “fine” while others believe it’s time to take action. An action you can take is to provide easy access to the available information like doctor’s evaluations. It’s also a good idea for everyone to spend some time with your loved one to see firsthand how the senior is functioning. Having all the information allows everyone to form the most informed conclusion for themselves.
Understand that strong feelings can be used to create cooperation. Let’s say your sister wants Dad to come live with her. But you think memory care assisted living is the better choice. Instead of trying to compete for the “right” decision, use it as an opportunity to come up with alternate ideas that work for all parties. Perhaps Dad can go live with your sister, but goes to adult day care throughout the week at a nearby community. There is no right or wrong answer – the trick is to get to a common goal (as we stated above) that provides the best possible care for your loved one.
On the other hand, it’s important for you to understand that disagreements are not necessarily hostile. Uninvited suggestions can be annoying and frustrating, and can cause you to tune out what your siblings are saying. If you find yourself getting increasingly frustrated because you think someone is “telling you what to do,” take a deep breath and understand that everything is coming from a place of concern for your loved one. Instead of waiting for unsolicited advice, take control and actively ask your siblings for their ideas and insights. By looking at ideas as contributions, not attacks, everyone can come up with solutions a lot more easily.
Institute a policy of, “with great ideas come great responsibilities.”
Many high-performing teams – both in the workforce and in personal life – have a rule that a person who comes up with an idea or suggestion is responsible for creating an action plan to make that happen. This can be a great rule to institute with your siblings, especially if you find yourself in a situation with opinionated people who could potentially do more to help Mom or Dad. It’s easy to make suggestions and come up with ideas; it’s a much different thing to put those plans into action. This tactic can help caregivers both halt unhelpful suggestions and potentially also take the work off someone’s plate. For example, let’s say you’re the primary caregiver and want to hire in-home help for Mom, but your sister doesn’t want that. In this case, your sister would need to come up with an action plan that would take tasks off your plate, thus allowing you to continue to be Mom’s caregiver.
Take time to listen. Healthy caregiving teams are unified by healthy communication, and that starts with really listening to what one another is saying. It’s important that everyone be open to hearing others’ feelings and emotions about the situation without getting wound up themselves. Approach every discussion with an open mind and avoid discounting or minimizing what your siblings have to say. Even if you disagree, it’s possible to be respectful of other peoples’ points of view and personal opinions. Coming from a foundation of cooperation rather than conflict can help diffuse a lot of tension before it even begins.
It can be incredibly difficult when siblings battle over caregiver control. However, with patience and practice, you and your siblings can come to an agreement of a plan that is best for the most important person in this scenario – your senior loved one.
Dedicated Memory Care
Bridges® by EPOCH at Trumbull delivers highly specialized memory care assisted living for those with Alzheimer’s disease or other forms of dementia. Our resident-centered approach focuses on providing dignity, purpose and moments of joy in daily life for those in all stages of the disease. We offer a wellness-focused lifestyle that centers around a resident’s current skills and abilities, not those that have been lost to dementia.
Life-Enriching Programs
Our team members take an active role in getting to know each resident on a personal level to deliver programming that is meaningful to them. We account for the preferences, interests, needs and abilities of our residents to connect with them and encourage their involvement in daily life and boost self-esteem.
Warm, Residential Atmosphere
Featuring a stunning residential design, every inch of our community has been designed to benefit those with memory loss. Attributes such as soft colors, directional cues, aromatherapy and interactive life stations create a soothing and secure environment where residents feel comfortable, safe and at home.