A diagnosis of dementia can be hard to talk about, especially when you need to explain to younger members of the family what’s going on with Grandma or Grandpa. You may be considering shielding children from the truth about what’s happening to their older loved one as a way of protecting them. However, helping children and younger individuals understand the situation in age-appropriate ways is a crucial step in helping your loved one through their journey.
“It’s very important for children and teenagers to understand what’s going on with their loved one, even if they may not always understand the situation fully,” says Chrissy Ross, Executive Director of Bridges® by EPOCH at Mashpee. “Children are very observant, and if they are around their grandparents, they will notice when things start to be ‘off.’ Telling them that nothing’s wrong can lead to hurt and confusion, especially when their loved one doesn’t remember them or starts acting in unexpected ways.”
Helping children understand their grandparent’s disease and what will be happening will allow children to be a part of the discussion and continue to connect with their loved one effectively. “Explaining dementia to your child is actually a great gift for them and your loved one,” explains Chrissy. “When children know what’s happening, they’re able to continue to make memories with Grandma or Grandpa and provide emotional support and joy throughout the journey.”
How To Explain Dementia to Children
The amount and depth of explanation you should give to children about dementia depends on their age and maturity levels. For example, you probably wouldn’t want to go into deep, specific details about brain changes and cell death to a younger child, but a teenager might be able to understand the scientific facts more clearly. Here are some tips to help you prepare for the discussion and provide your child with the understanding and support they will need.
Come prepared.
Choose a time and a place to have a discussion with your child – you don’t want this to be an impromptu conversation. You may even want to write down talking points that you want to share. Consider important factors that will be important to understand, such as the progression of dementia, what behaviors Grandma or Grandpa will start showing and other things to expect.
Keep the discussion age-appropriate.
In other words, “know your audience.” For younger children, you may want to simply help them understand that their grandparents are having memory issues and may not always be able to remember things. Older children may be able to understand more facts about the situation, such as a more detailed description of the disease’s progression. Remember, though, that this is just an initial discussion – there’s no need to share everything all at once.
Expect a variety of emotions and reactions.
Your child may respond in a variety of different ways, and all of them are normal and natural. Here are just some common reactions that children and teens may experience when a loved one is living with dementia:
- Sadness about how their loved one is changing
- Curious about how dementias like Alzheimer’s develop
- Fear that they or other family members will develop dementia
- Confusion or frustration about new things that are necessary, such as repeating words or phrases
- Guilt for feeling resentful or frustrated
- Uncertainty as to how to behave around Grandma or Grandpa
Reassure your child and let them know it’s not their fault.
Many children may think that they did something that caused their loved one to develop dementia or that the child’s actions are causing their grandparents to act in certain ways. Be sure to reassure your child by letting them know that nothing that happens is because of what they did and that their grandparents’ reactions are due to the disease. Explain that their grandma or grandpa still love them but will get confused often and maybe not recognize the child.
Encourage them to ask questions.
Children will have lots of questions about dementia and their grandparents, and it’s important to keep the lines of communication open. Encourage them to ask questions and respond in simple, age-appropriate ways. For older children, you may wish to point them in the direction of online resources and research so they can look into dementia and what to expect on their own.
Find new ways for a child to bond with their grandparents.
A child may not know how to act around their grandparents, so look for ways they can continue bonding. Listening to music or watching a funny movie are great ways for children to do things with their grandparents that they will both enjoy. You can also set up simple crafts, like baking cookies or painting a picture. Simple activities and games are great ways for younger children, especially to spend time with their grandparents because it creates opportunities for conversation and bonding.
Involve them in your loved one’s life, even daily caregiving.
Having your child spend time with their grandparents is a great way to normalize dementia and the situation. Depending on if your child is old enough, see if they would like to help care for their grandparents from time to time (with you or another family caregiver, of course). This can help your child feel involved and also allows the child to understand and accept what’s happening to Grandma or Grandpa.
Talking to children about a dementia diagnosis is difficult, but it’s important to know that you’re not alone and that there are resources to help. You may wish to join a support group to learn tools and resources to help you and the children in your family understand the changes that are happening with their loved one.
Peace of Mind for Cape Cod Seniors and Their Families
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At Bridges® by EPOCH at Mashpee, we offer a program of care and services that celebrates life and supports individual strengths. Our compassionate and engaging approach adapts to the unique challenges and individuality of each resident. Our memory care professionals receive specialized and ongoing training designed to help residents maximize their independence in a secure, calm environment.
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