Being a caregiver for a loved one with dementia can be frustrating and difficult, even if you’re experienced. For a first-time caregiver, the job can sometimes be overwhelming. Besides the tasks and everything else that’s needed to keep your loved one safe and healthy, you also have to deal with the fear of “failing” as a caregiver.
“Caregivers, especially those who are doing this for the first time, can put insurmountable expectations upon themselves,” says Erica Labb, Executive Director of Bridges® by EPOCH at Westford. “This can be a recipe for failure right off the bat, because no one is a perfect caregiver – and no one expects you to be one.”
Understanding that mistakes do happen and looking at them as a learning experience rather than as a failure can help caregivers feel more in control and less guilty about when slipups happen. “Alzheimer’s disease and other forms of dementia have their own strange sense of rules, most of which aren’t able to be followed logically,” she explains. “Give yourself grace and use your experiences – good and bad – to help you learn more about how to care for your loved one in the very best way possible.”
We’ve put together five tools and approaches you can use to help turn “failures” into learning moments, as well as some situations you may experience so you can see how to flip the script on your feelings and approaches.
1. Accept your mistakes.
Let’s face it: all of us are our own worst critics. It’s an easy thing to beat ourselves up over this mistake or that error. In fact, most of us do it too much! So why do we say that accepting your mistakes is the first way to turn a failure into a learning experience? Notice that we said “accept” your mistakes … not “berate yourself for” your mistakes. When you make a mistake, note it, understand that it was a mistake, and then move on from it. We can’t change how we acted or what we did in the past; we can only learn from it and use those lessons to help us do better in the future.
2. Don’t be afraid to “fail.”
Alongside accepting your mistakes is the ability to be fearless when moving forward. If you know that you will make mistakes as a caregiver, you release some of that pressure upon yourself. You don’t have to be anxious or worried about making a mistake – you simply accept that it will happen at some point, but that shouldn’t stop you from doing your very best right now. You’ll be amazed at how freeing this mindset can be once you get used to it.
3. Take notes.
Keeping a journal is often suggested for caregivers as a way for them to work through emotions and put their thoughts in order. Journaling can also be a great tool for helping improve your caregiving as well. When you have what you would consider a setback or failure, write it down. Take notes on what happened, how you reacted, how your loved one reacted and any other important details. Once you’re in a calm place and can review your actions logically and clearly, look over your notes. What could you have done better? What did you learn from this approach or that? Reviewing your notes can help you uncover something you might not have thought of in the heat of the moment.
4. Focus on what you learned versus what went wrong.
As we mentioned before, it’s common to beat ourselves up over mistakes we’ve made. However, instead of talking about how “badly” you did or what you did wrong, take a different approach. Ask yourself what went well in that situation. What did you learn? Was there something that surprised you in a positive way? This positive attitude will help you better overcome the pessimism of “failure” and instead focus on a more optimistic, learning mindset.
5. Learn from others.
Support groups and other caregivers can be an invaluable resource for helping you continually improve your caregiving techniques. Even if you feel that you’ve failed or have made a mistake, guess what? Someone out there has already done the exact same thing – and probably learned from it, too! Seek out other, more experienced caregivers as well as professional resources to help talk through techniques, situations, advice and just life stuff. Hearing the stories of other caregivers and how they turned their situations into learning experiences can help give you even more tools for your toolbox.
Common Caregiver Situations (And How To Learn from Them)
Situation: Your mother has reached the stage where she hides items around the house, forgets where she put them and starts accusing you of stealing them or hiding them from her. The third time she misplaced her wallet, you snap at her out of anger, causing her to become upset (and you still can’t find the darned wallet).
Learning opportunity: Take a step back from the immediate situation and think about what your mother is hiding and why she’s hiding it. Does she start hiding things when she’s bored or perhaps if she’s hungry? If there are particular items that she misplaces regularly, consider getting copies made so that when they disappear, you can magically “find” them to alleviate the situation.
Situation: Your father’s ability to handle the activities of daily life are dwindling, but he stubbornly refuses to allow you to help dress him or assist with grooming. After one particularly difficult day, you want to throw in the towel.
Learning opportunity: Once you and your dad have calmed down, take a moment to review the situation and what happened. When exactly did your dad become stubborn during the interaction? Are there things that you’re trying to do for him that he still can feasibly do himself with assistance? Was something bothering him, such as being in pain or needing to use the bathroom? Next time you help your father, try a different tactic and use redirection to help smooth things over when the situation gets tense.
Situation: Your mother keeps asking what time it is over and over. By the 13th time, you’ve had it and both you and she are angry and frustrated.
Learning opportunity: Is there a particular reason why your mother is asking about the time? Is there an appointment she’s worried about missing, or is it close to lunchtime and she’s hungry? Oftentimes, asking questions repeatedly is due to a desire to feel in control and secure. Answer her question as often as you can, but also consider using visual cues, such as a large clock, that she can find and see herself in order for her to get the answer she needs.
Situation: You’re tired, burned out and becoming increasingly grouchy at everyone in your life.
Learning opportunity: You need to take some time for yourself. In order to be a good caregiver, you have to care of yourself as well. When you feel yourself getting overly angry, sad, depressed or run down, ask friends and family for help. You may also wish to look into respite care so that your loved one is in good hands while you do something nice for yourself.
Comprehensive Memory Care
Bridges® by EPOCH at Westford delivers highly specialized memory care assisted living for those with Alzheimer’s disease or other forms of dementia. Our resident-centered approach focuses on providing dignity, purpose and moments of joy in daily life for those in all stages of the disease. We offer a wellness-focused lifestyle that centers around a resident’s current skills and abilities, not those that have been lost to dementia.
Life-Enriching Programs
Our team members take an active role in getting to know each resident on a personal level to deliver programming that is meaningful to them. We account for the preferences, interests, needs and abilities of our residents to connect with them and encourage their involvement in daily life and boost self-esteem.
Warm, Residential Atmosphere
Featuring a stunning residential design, every inch of our community has been designed to benefit those with memory loss. Attributes such as soft colors, directional cues and aromatherapy create a soothing and secure environment where residents feel comfortable, safe and at home.
Bridges® by EPOCH is New England’s largest stand-alone memory care assisted living provider.
Contact us today to learn more.