It’s an all too common situation: your older parent or loved one is starting to slow down, missing appointments, falling behind on bills or having difficulty keeping up with their usual hygiene routine. Perhaps you’ve started by helping out here or there, but that “occasional” assistance has become more and more frequent until it seems like you’re struggling to balance your own life with theirs. Perhaps you’ve suggested that it’s time for them to hire someone to help them with things around the house. But any suggestions have been met with vehement refusal, and maybe even anger and resentment.
“It’s not uncommon for aging adults to insist that they’re healthy enough and capable enough to care for themselves,” says Michelle Pelham, Executive Director at Bridges® by EPOCH at Nashua, a Memory Care Assisted Living community in Nashua, NH. “They may even say that they’re completely independent, so why would they need help? Unfortunately a parent’s independence may come at the expense of an adult child or other loved one giving up a large amount of time to help their older relative. Eventually, the younger person reaches a tipping point – something must be done, but what?”
Family caregivers often report high levels of stress, anxiety, exhaustion and depression. All of this can lead to frustration, anger, resentment and burnout. Ultimately, this puts the caregiver’s health at risk, which leads to a whole slew of problems that increase stress on the individual.
“As a caregiver, you need to understand that your health and well-being is just as important as your loved one’s health,” Michelle explains. “It’s okay to realize that you need help, and it’s okay to take steps to help your elderly loved one get the assistance they need, as long as you approach it in a dignified, respectful and measured manner.”
Michelle says that it’s always a good idea to start the conversation about help before your loved one absolutely needs it – like if there’s a major health crisis that necessitates a move. “It’s best if you can help your loved one come to the conclusion about help on their own, instead of trying to force it on them,” she says. “If your loved one makes the decision themselves, it will be a lot easier and go a lot smoother for everyone involved.”
Why does your loved one refuse help?
It may be clearly obvious to you that your loved one needs help, so it’s confusing (and frustrating) when he or she tells you that “they’re fine” or “they don’t need help.” Why do older people do that? Well, the aging process causes drastic changes to our lifestyle and our habits, many of which have been ingrained in us from our youth. Aging is scary, and the idea of losing independence in any way, shape or form is terrifying. While to you, the idea of help is, well, helpful, to your aging loved one it can be a threat to their sense of control and pride. Your loved one is probably feeling a wide variety of emotions: shame, fear, anxiety, depression and others. He or she may feel as if they’re becoming undervalued or undesirable as a person.
For this reason alone, it’s crucial that adult children and other loved ones approach their older family members with dignity, reference and compassion. During this time, older individuals need to know that they are important, that they matter and that you’re trying to find a solution that helps them live as independently as possible – not taking away their sense of self.
What To Do When a Loved One Refuses Help
When you’re facing a situation where an older loved one is refusing to recognize the need for extra help, here are some strategies you can use to press your case.
Evaluate the situation.
Before you even begin a conversation, take a look at your older loved one’s activities, mental health and living conditions. What is he or she still able to do? Where do they need help, and what can they do for themselves? What sort of things are most important to them? More importantly, is your loved one in any physical, mental or emotional danger? Assessing your loved one’s life situation allows you to be more rational and direct when beginning any conversation.
Start from a place of positivity.
As you’re beginning the conversation with your loved one, focus on the positives instead of the negatives. For example, instead of pointing out what your mom or dad can’t do anymore, focus on what sort of things and goals are important to them. If independence and autonomy are important to their identity, talk about how having some help here and there will allow them to keep the independence they want while getting assistance with things that have become difficult. It’s important to reinforce the idea of help as, well, help, instead of something that stifles or restricts your loved one’s lifestyle.
Make it about you.
This little bit of psychology can be incredibly effective, especially if you haven’t been successful at appealing to our loved ones’ personal needs. Instead, reframe the conversation about how getting them help would help you. After all, you’re the one who’s incredibly worried about your loved one, and you’re becoming stressed and overworked from everything you have to do. Wouldn’t your loved one want to help find ways to relieve that stress and take some burden off your shoulders? Sure, this may feel manipulative at first, but it is based in truth – and you aren’t doing it to make your parents feel bad. Many older adults don’t want to be a burden on the people they care about, so talking about your needs may be a great way to convince them to look into getting some help.
Get the help of a professional.
Many professionals, physicians and other doctors will play the part of the “bad guy” to help adult children convince aging parents to get some help. Hearing concerns and issues from a neutral third party can help convince your loved one that, yes, there are valid concerns that need to be addressed. For example, your parents’ doctor could talk to them about their failing eyesight and discuss the dangers of driving at night. Enlisting this help can help reinforce how much your loved ones matter, and allow them to see that there are many people who care very much about their well-being.
Understand that this is a process.
In a perfect world, you and your loved one would have one conversation and that would be that. However, in this world, this is a process that can take two steps forward, one step back or any combination of the forward-and-backward situation. Although we aren’t saying that you should push off any decisions until it’s absolutely necessary, tread with caution and be understanding. If you feel like you and your loved one are at an impasse, take a break and restart the conversation later when both of you are calmer. With patience, love and understanding, both you and your aging loved one will reach a solution that results in a happier, less-stressed and healthier existence for every party.
A Fulfilling Lifestyle
Bridges® by EPOCH at Nashua provides expert memory care within an assisted living environment that is comfortable, positive and engaging. Exclusively dedicated to caring for those with Alzheimer’s disease and other forms of dementia, our community offers a wellness-focused lifestyle that promotes dignity, independence and fulfilment in daily life.
Dedicated Memory Care
Our programs, care and services are all designed to celebrate our residents’ lives and support each resident’s individual strengths and abilities. No matter what stage of memory loss a resident may be experiencing, our memory care professionals work to maximize their independence in a secure, calm environment – making a truly positive impact on the lives of our residents every day.
Stunning, Purpose-Built Design
Featuring a stunning, purposeful design, Bridges® by EPOCH at Nashua is so much more than a beautiful place to live . . . It’s a community focused on enriching the lives of our residents and helping their families enjoy meaningful relationships with them. Our evidence-based design features, including soft paint colors, directional cues, aromatherapy and interactive life stations, provide a soothing and easy-to-navigate environment.
Bridges® by EPOCH is New England’s largest stand-alone memory care assisted living provider.
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