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The Harm That Comes from “Testing” Your Loved One’s Memory

Friday, June 18, 2021

“Do you remember?” This innocuous-seeming question can end up becoming a minefield if you’re speaking to a loved one with dementia. 

“It’s not uncommon to want to ask questions like this, especially if you’re a first-time caregiver, because it just seems like the natural and logical thing to do,” says Cindy Wirth, Executive Director of Bridges® by EPOCH at Sudbury, a memory care assisted living community in Sudbury, MA. “However, it’s important to understand that this can be distressing and even harmful for your loved one. Testing your loved one’s memory this way – even if that’s not what you’re intentionally trying to do – is ineffective due to the nature of the disease.”

Although dementia doesn’t change who your loved one is, it does affect every aspect of your loved one’s personality, mental functioning and physical abilities. Instead of asking your loved one if they remember something (or otherwise ‘testing’ their memory), Cindy says that there are other, more productive ways to interact with your loved one. 

“When we ask a question like ‘do you remember,’ what we’re inherently trying to do is connect with our loved ones by reminiscing, which is something we probably have done all our life with that person,” says Cindy. “Ultimately, this stems from a place of love – reminiscence and connection are so important to our relationships, even when our loved ones have dementia. There are plenty of techniques that can be used to help connect with your loved one in meaningful ways without making it seem like you’re testing them.”

How “Testing” Can Be Harmful

It’s tempting to ask your loved one if they remember an event, a person or a situation. “What did you do yesterday?” you might ask. “What did you have for lunch?” Since diseases like Alzheimer’s and other forms of dementia cause short-term memory to evaporate, there’s no way your loved one can remember what they did yesterday. They will understand, however, that they can’t remember the situation, which can cause embarrassment, frustration, anger, anxiety or another negative emotion. 

Keeping a loved one with dementia calm, happy, emotionally stable and feeling good about themselves is key to helping manage their emotional and mental state and providing them with the best quality of life possible. Since putting them in a situation where they feel successful, useful or fulfilled is very helpful in reducing unwanted behaviors, it makes sense that putting them in a situation where they feel embarrassed or frustrated can increase unwanted behaviors. Of course, we realize this isn’t ever your purpose in asking these questions.

Instead of asking “do you remember” or other potentially hazardous questions, here are some things you can say or do instead to connect, engage and reminisce with your loved one. 

Lead the conversation by talking about your memories.

Instead of asking your loved one to share their memories of a specific event, lead the conversation by talking about your specific (or relative) memories. Instead of asking “don’t you remember how we’d go to the lake every summer?” consider the following:

“I remember how we would go to the lake every summer when I was a kid. I loved swimming in the lake every morning. It always seemed so cold at first, but then it was so nice I never wanted to get out. And then we would eat marshmallows that we’d toasted over the fire. They were delicious.”

Approaching a memory in this way allows you to spin a story that your loved one can be engaged by. Even if they don’t remember the exact event, it may spur memories from long ago for them. It’s possible that they could also remember the event itself – but don’t get discouraged if they don’t. 

Go with the flow. 

Sometimes your loved one will share a story or memory that you know is completely wrong. Again, it’s natural to want to say, “no, that’s not how it occurred,” but that won’t result in anything but confusion, frustration and bad feelings. Oftentimes, the person with dementia is sharing the “memory” from an attempt to interact in a meaningful way, and that’s something that should be encouraged. Let’s say your dad is telling a story about how he used to hunt elephants in Africa, for example, and you know that he’s never stepped foot outside the United States. Instead of saying, “Dad, that never happened,” consider asking open-ended questions like:

● Tell me more about that. 

● How did that make you feel?

● What happened then?

By joining your loved one’s reality and “going with the flow,” you’ll make him or her feel successful, loved and encouraged – and it can be a great way to bond and nurture your relationship. 

Be kind when possible and honest if necessary. 

One of the more difficult parts of dementia is when your loved one asks where a deceased spouse, parent or other loved one is. Reminding them that the person is dead can very often cause disbelief, anger and grief. In other words, reminding them can cause them to relive the news as if it were yesterday. Not only that, but they will likely forget what you say in a short amount of time and will go back to asking where their loved one is fairly soon.

A technique called therapeutic fibbing can be very beneficial in a situation like this. This is when you tell a “white lie” to bend the truth to fit the reality of your loved one with dementia in order to help them maintain their safety or wellbeing. If Mom is sad that her long-dead brother hasn’t visited her in a while, tell her that “he’s coming tomorrow” or “he’ll be here later today.” This answer may be enough to make Mom feel better about the situation and you can move on to a different subject. However, the exception to situations like this is if your loved one asks you if a particular person has passed away or is gone. While you might wish to lie to spare their feelings, it’s better to give an honest answer, even if they may soon forget it. 

Remember the importance of redirection. 

None of us are perfect, and it’s possible that even when you’re keeping all these tips and tricks in mind, you may run into a situation where you accidentally are ‘testing’ your loved one’s memory and causing a situation that is uncomfortable for both of you. Remember always the important and beneficial technique of redirection. If you notice your loved one is becoming agitated or upset over a memory (whether remembered or not), redirect their attention with an activity, an observation or something else. This will draw their mind to another train of thought that’s more soothing and emotionally beneficial, which is ultimately the best state to be in. 

Exceptional Care & Engaging Lifestyle

Bridges® by EPOCH at Sudbury provides exceptional memory care in a comfortable and engaging environment. Designed specifically to support those with Alzheimer’s disease and other forms of dementia, our community delivers a wellness-focused lifestyle that respects

individual preferences and abilities. Our teams receive ongoing, specialized training so they may help residents to safely exercise their independence in a secure, calm environment.

Dedicated Memory Care

Our expert dementia care and comprehensive services are tailored to meet the unique

needs of our residents, wherever they are on their journey with memory loss. Our life-enrichment programs are personalized to residents’ interests and abilities, providing joy and meaning in daily life and enhancing emotional well-being.

Purpose-Built Design

Bridges® by EPOCH at Sudbury is more than a safe, beautiful place to live; it’s truly a home, where compassionate, dementia-educated caregivers help people with memory loss live

more fulfilling lives. Our research-based design features soft lighting and colors, non-glare flooring, directional cues, aromatherapy and interactive life-enrichment stations that empower residents to comfortably move about their home with confidence.

Bridges® by EPOCH is New England’s largest stand-alone memory care assisted living provider.

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