“You’re a hero,” they say. “You’re a selfless angel,” they say. Sure, caregiving is an act of love … but sometimes, you wish people would just stop talking about it. Do they know how hard it is to keep your cool when your mother asks you the same question for the hundredth time that day? Or you find yourself stuck in a rut, day in and day out? Or do you sometimes just want to throw your hands in the air and run away?
Take a deep breath. Caregiving is an act of love, but sometimes it’s just not pleasant. Especially when your formerly sweet parent decides to fight you when you try to get them ready for bed … for the twentieth time.
“In a perfect world, caring for a senior loved one would bring the two of you together in a meaningful and emotional way, like a Hallmark movie,” says Barbara Harrison, Executive Director of Bridges® by EPOCH at Westwood, a memory care assisted living community in Westwood, MA. “Unfortunately, instead of building memories that you can cherish, caregiving can become exhausting, enraging and frustrating, leading you to wonder if you’re doing the right thing.”
It’s not just dementia that causes changes in older loved one’s behaviors. There are other medical conditions like strokes or medication interactions that can alter a loved one’s functioning and behavior. It can also be simply because your loved one is getting older and unable to care for themselves – that can be a huge blow, mentally and emotionally. However, that doesn’t make it any easier for the caregiver.
“We often find that caregivers are okay with opening up about the sadness and loss they feel, but they bury their feelings of anger and frustration,” says Barbara. “I feel that it’s important for caregivers to understand and recognize that these feelings are also part of the caregiving journey. You’re not alone, and what you’re feeling is completely natural. You’re going through a very stressful and emotional situation, and it’s okay to feel frustrated and angry about that. The key is to identify those emotions and learn to cope with them so you can be the best caregiver possible for your loved one and for yourself.”
Step 1: Forgive yourself.
We are our own worst critic and enemy, so when you feel frustrated and angry, it’s natural to want to beat yourself up. But instead of doing that, give yourself permission to feel your feelings and accept that this is natural. Human beings aren’t perfect, and sometimes we react in anger. That’s okay. Give yourself credit for all the good you do, and forgive yourself for this momentary lapse. No one expects you to be perfect – except, apparently, for you.
Step 2: Connect with others in similar situations.
Caring for a loved one with dementia can be an emotional roller coaster ride – one fraught with stress, frustration, guilt, and uncertainty. One of the best ways to cope is to share your feelings with others so that you can work through them. As was mentioned above, you’re not alone in this journey, even if it sometimes feels like it. By talking with others, especially those who are in similar situations, you may find it improves your overall mood and makes it just a little bit easier to manage your frustrations when they occur.
Bridges® by EPOCH offers monthly support groups for family caregivers where they can connect with others who are caring for a loved one with memory loss, as well as dementia-care professionals. It’s a great place to share or receive caregiving tips and tricks, or simply to listen to others share their stories to help you realize that your feelings – including anger and frustration at times – are completely normal.
Step 3: Halt the ‘hangry’.
Everyone reading this article has been ‘hangry’ at some point or another. This is usually due to a drop in blood sugar that causes us to be incredibly hungry – and also results in irrational anger, poor coping abilities and meltdown. Sometimes, the best way to avoid frustration on all counts is to eat a snack. Make sure that you and your senior loved one are eating something approximately every three hours to maintain blood sugar levels and reduce stress.
Step 4: Scream into a pillow.
Sometimes, actively venting your frustrations can be very therapeutic. If you find yourself having one of those moments, excuse yourself and escape into a room where you can throw (or scream into) a pillow. As a short-term strategy, this can make you feel a whole lot better. A longer-term strategy, though, would be to increase the amount of exercise you get on a daily basis. Staying physically active boosts moods, reduces stress and helps lessen anxiety – potentially reducing the incidences of pillow throwing.
Step 5: Take a break.
You’re probably thinking, when will I find the time to do that? Well, you need to make time. The old saying goes that you can’t care for others if you don’t care for yourself. A lot of times, frustration and anger stem from being burned out and overwhelmed. Caregiving is an all-encompassing job, and if you don’t take a break and care for yourself, it can have serious negative effects on your health – physically, emotionally and mentally. So every once in a while, ask a friend or family member to help you out for a day or more so you can escape and do something that restores you. If you don’t have anyone you can call on, consider hiring someone who can help you at home, or consider enrolling your loved one in adult day care or a short-term stay at a memory care community.
“The biggest takeaway I can give you is to not feel horrible about feeling angry or frustrated,” says Barbara. “You’re only human, and allowing yourself to feel what you feel can be very therapeutic. Understand that you are not alone, and there are many people around you who care for you and want to help you. Caregiving is hard, but with the help of professionals and those you love, the load can be lighter.”
Exceptional Care & Fulfilling Lifestyle
Bridges® by EPOCH at Westwood provides memory care assisted living that is comfortable, positive, safe and engaging. Exclusively dedicated to caring for those with Alzheimer’s disease and other forms of dementia, our community offers a wellness-focused lifestyle that promotes dignity and individual preferences. Our memory care professionals receive specialized and ongoing training designed to help residents maximize their independence in a secure, calm environment – enriching the lives of our residents every day.
Inspiring Programs for All Stages
No matter what level of care or service is needed, residents and families can rest assured that our care and life enrichment programs address the various stages of memory decline, allowing residents the opportunity to age in place.
Dedicated Memory Care
At Bridges® by EPOCH at Westwood, our services are designed to recognize and adapt to the unique challenges and individuality of each resident, while ensuring comfort and safety. We believe in a full-service approach to care and provide a high level of personalized attention for residents in various stages of memory loss.