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Coordinating Care When Both Parents Need Support

Wednesday, October 28, 2020

The idea of “growing old together” is very romantic, and certainly something that most couples hope for. However, the reality can be a little less romantic, especially when both individuals need support as they age. Often, the responsibility falls to the adult children to ensure that both parents are receiving the care and support they need to help them live safely.

“It’s difficult enough to coordinate care when both parents need the same level of support, but an extra layer of complexity occurs when one parent needs more help than another,” says Reshma Nair, Executive Director of Bridges® by EPOCH at Andover, memory care assisted living community in Andover, MA. That’s certainly something that today’s Sandwich Generation – the Gen Xers who are still raising children while also caring for aging parents – have to deal with. Some parents require assistance when they’re relatively young – in their 50s or 60s – while others are healthy until their 80s. Sometimes parents live in the same home together, but others are divorced and potentially remarried, bringing even more complexity to the situation.

“Coordinating care for more than one person brings additional stress for family caregivers,” says Reshma. “This can be a one-way road to caregiver burnout, but with proper assistance, planning and flexibility, it can be accomplished.” The trick, she says, is to have a plan, have support and have the willingness to know when you need someone else to step in.

“Family caregivers always try to shoulder too much,” she says. “That’s not a criticism – it definitely comes from a place of caring. But caregivers have lives outside of caring for their parents, and that’s just as important. Knowing when to step back and call in reinforcements will help adult children provide better care for their parents, their families and themselves, too.”

There are only so many hours in a day, and often too many things that need to be accomplished. Family caregivers of multiple seniors may find themselves facing issues that all need her attention at the same time. What happens if you need to pick up a prescription for Mom right away, but Dad needs to be driven to his doctor’s appointment? It all comes down to determining priorities, managing your time and delegating when necessary.

If you find yourself in a position of coordinating care for more than one senior adult, here are some tips to follow and steps to take to ensure that everyone is receiving the best possible care without you burning the candle at both ends.

Make a list.

Write down what care each individual needs as well as the tasks that are required to ensure their safety and health. Does Dad have difficulty managing his medication schedule? Is Mom no longer able to drive? Think about all the things that you have been assisting them with and note them on your list. Include any “unexpected” tasks you’ve had to do recently (such as going over to Mom’s house to help her find something that she’s misplaced).

Prioritize.

Look at the tasks and care required and determine what is an actual “need” versus something that’s a “want.” Sometimes, a senior will “create” a task for their loved ones simply because they are lonely and want someone to come over and visit with them. Even if the needs are valid, there are some that should take higher priority than others (doctor’s appointments, medication dispensation, etc.). Rank each item on your list as to whether it’s high, medium or low priority.

Find resources.

Now that you have your lists of needs and wants, it’s time to do a little digging. While it’s natural to want to do everything for your loved ones, the truth is that there are many tasks that can be outsourced to other people, whether that’s hired assistance, local organizations or friends and other family members. While some of these resources may have a monetary cost, the payoff to your peace of mind will be priceless. Two great resources include:

  • Senior Companions are volunteers 55 and over who provide assistance and friendship to seniors who have difficulty with daily living tasks, such as shopping or paying bills. The program, which is part of the national program Senior Corps, aims to keep seniors independent longer, and provide respite to family caregivers.
  • Eldercare Locator is a public service of the Administration on Aging that helps connects older adults and families with services that can help improve quality of life. This resource can connect you with your local Area Agency on Aging, meal services, transportation services, adult day care services and  more.

Delegate.

Once you’ve determined what items you can outsource, it’s now time to look at your friends and family and see how others can pitch in to help. Can your brother help with organizing financial statements and paying monthly bills? Could your husband stop by your mother’s place once a week to spend some time with her so she feels more connected? Can your sister take over getting Mom and Dad to their various doctor’s appointments? Getting a task off your plate will significantly lighten your load, no matter how large or small it may be.

Set boundaries and have a contingency plan.

The urge to say “yes, Mom, I’ll do that” is natural and a default for many family caregivers. However, it’s essential for you to set boundaries for yourself and respect your limits. Understand what you can do and what you can’t. It’s also important for you to understand what caregiver stress and burnout looks like and when you’re starting to head down that path. If you find yourself feeling overwhelmed or are having trouble, seek help immediately. Having a breakdown will put your and your loved one’s health at risk, and you won’t be able to do anything for anyone.

Care for all facets of you.

Coordinating care doesn’t start and end with your senior loved ones. It also means coordinating care for yourself and the other people in your life. You are more than just a caregiver, and it’s essential for you to nurture the relationships with friends, children, your spouse and yourself. Make sure you’re keeping yourself physically healthy by eating right, getting exercise and enough sleep and caring for your mental health. Do something nice for yourself each day. Remember that you’re not in this alone, and that there are many people in your life rooting for you and caring for you as well.

“Caring for multiple seniors is a huge task, but it doesn’t have to be all-encompassing,” says Reshma. “Remember that the senior living communities in your area have options and assistance available to you, even if your loved one isn’t a resident of ours. Bridges by EPOCH at Andover, for example, offers many activities and seminars to the public and are always willing and ready to help care for the caregivers in our greater community. We understand the important job you’re undertaking and are here to help you in any way possible.”

Exceptional Care. Engaging Lifestyle.

Bridges® by EPOCH at Andover provides specialized memory care in an assisted living environment that is comfortable, positive and welcoming. Built solely to care for those with Alzheimer’s disease and other forms of dementia, Bridges® by EPOCH at Andover creates a wellness-focused, engaging lifestyle that respects individual preferences, focuses on residents’ abilities and creates meaning in daily life.

Dedicated Memory Care.

Through every stage of memory loss, residents and their families have complete peace of mind. Our compassionate dementia care and unique programs are tailored to meet the physical, cognitive and emotional needs of each resident wherever they are on their own journey, allowing them to age in place safely, comfortably and with dignity.

Supportive, Purpose-Built Design.

Featuring a stunning residential design, Bridges® by EPOCH at Andover is much more than a beautiful place to live; it’s a community where residents’ lives are enriched and families enjoy meaningful moments together. Our research-based design features soft colors and lighting, directional cues, aromatherapy and interactive life-enrichment stations that empower residents to explore their homes with confidence.

Contact us today to learn more.

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