Being a caregiver to a senior loved one with dementia is a meaningful and important role – but it’s also incredibly difficult.
“Many caregivers have this desire to do it all and handle every aspect of their loved one’s health and care,” says Erica Labb, Executive Director of Bridges® by EPOCH at Westford. “It’s a very common and understandable desire, but the fact of the matter is that you are asking yourself to perform an impossible task. No one person can do it all alone, and you shouldn’t have to do it all alone.”
Erica reminds family caregivers that even professional caregivers aren’t working 24/7. “They take breaks, too, because it’s necessary to care for yourself as well as your loved one,” she says.
Most of us don’t like to ask for help because it may seem like a weakness. Erica encourages caregivers to view asking for help as a strength and a gift you can give to others. “There are probably many people around you who see what you’re doing and want to help, but don’t know how to offer it,” she says. “That’s why it’s important for you to learn how to ask for help when you need it. In a sense, you are giving them the gift to help you – which many want to do.”
Ideally, she says, you should ask for help before you need it. Here’s how to do that.
Create your network.
Sit down and think about people in your life – friends, family members, community members – who might be able and willing to help. Write down an entire list – don’t edit yourself. Then, when you’ve exhausted your contact list, go through and determine who on your list would be most willing to help. Once you’ve narrowed that down, think about each person and determine what strengths they have that you could rely on. For example, is your brother skilled at budgets and financial matters? Is your cousin an RN who could provide caregiving assistance from time to time?
Find your advocate.
Who is the person you can most rely on – the person who you lean on and who is your main support throughout this time? If you’re married, this may be your spouse. But it could also be a sibling or close family friend. Whoever this person is, ask them their opinions about your support network and what ideas they may have. Chances are, they may know someone you don’t, or have ideas on different forms of assistance you could look into. This person – your person – can be your advocate, your cheerleader and your support when you desperately need it.
Plan your conversations.
Now comes the hard part (well, you may think it’s the hard part): reaching out to the people on your list and asking for their help. Before you call or email anyone, think through your explanation as to why you need the help – not because you have to justify it, but it’s easier for someone to say “yes” when they know why you’re asking them to do something.
Be specific.
Having specific items that a person can say “yes” or “no” to make it a lot easier for them – and you. You may also want to have a list of tasks or services available that each person could potentially do. That gives options if he or she can’t take on something big, but could do a few little things on a regular basis.
Don’t be offended.
Prepare yourself for the possibility that the person you’re asking for help could decline. It’s okay. It’s possible it could be a “not now” type of situation – but he or she could help out later down the road, or in a different way. It can be hard to reach out to someone and be rejected, but it’s important to not let it get you down or discourage you. Brush it off and move on to the next person on your list.
Say “yes” any time help is offered.
Conversely, we imagine that you have many people in your life who have said things like, “if you need any help just let me know.” When those conversations occur, have a list of things you can immediately ask for assistance with. It can be anything from cleaning the house, running errands, looking into care options, watching your loved one for a few hours … whatever would be helpful to you. Strike while the iron is hot and you may be amazed at the help you never saw coming.
Look into community resources.
Sometimes it can feel easier to ask for help from the professionals. Look into caregiver support groups, area nonprofits, church groups and home health aides. Your local Area Agency on Aging is a great place to start – they can connect you to resources and support groups specifically in your community. Memory care communities are another excellent resource – many of them, like Bridges® by EPOCH at Westford, offer free-to-the-public advice and resources, and are always willing to help family caregivers ease their burden. Best of all, memory care communities will watch your loved one while you’re attending an event, so you don’t have to fret about finding additional care.
Give yourself grace and some respite.
Finally, remember that you need and deserve a break from caregiving every once in a while. A long weekend or a short vacation may be just what you need to decompress and take care of yourself for a change.
“Being a caregiver is like two full-time jobs at once, and there’s no reason why you should feel like you have to shoulder the burden all by yourself,” says Erica. “By learning how to ask for – and accept – help, you will feel less alone, more supported and end up taking better care of everyone in your circle … yourself included.”
Comprehensive Memory Care
Bridges® by EPOCH at Westford delivers highly specialized memory care assisted living for those with Alzheimer’s disease or other forms of dementia. Our resident-centered approach focuses on providing dignity, purpose and moments of joy in daily life for those in all stages of the disease. We offer a wellness-focused lifestyle that centers around a resident’s current skills and abilities, not those that have been lost to dementia.
Life-Enriching Programs
Our team members take an active role in getting to know each resident on a personal level to deliver programming that is meaningful to them. We account for the preferences, interests, needs and abilities of our residents to connect with them and encourage their involvement in daily life and boost self-esteem.
Warm, Residential Atmosphere
Featuring a stunning residential design, every inch of our community has been designed to benefit those with memory loss. Attributes such as soft colors, directional cues, aromatherapy and interactive life stations create a soothing and secure environment where residents feel comfortable, safe and at home.
Contact us today to learn more.