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Controlling Emotions as a Dementia Caregiver

Thursday, March 12, 2020

“Caregivers are amazing people who provide a priceless gift of support to their loved ones with dementia,” says Alicia Seaver, Vice President of Memory Care Operations of EPOCH Senior Living. “They give their all – and that’s incredibly draining. Most caregivers report feeling stressed, lonely, anxious or overwhelmed. Dementia caregivers, just as much as the people they care for, need support to help them manage their emotions, shoulder the heavy burden of caregiving and have an improved quality of life.”

It should come as no surprise that caregivers experience a variety of strong emotions, sometimes all at once. Often, these feelings are situational – related to what’s happening at that moment – but they also can be directed towards their senior loved one. Frustration, guilt, worry, anger, grief and embarrassment are all things we as human beings feel, and that goes extra for caregivers.

“Caregivers often think that they should be superhuman – at least, when it comes to dealing with dementia like champs,” says Alicia. “Many caregivers feel guilty if they get stressed out, or angry because they don’t think they’re doing enough, or whatever else they may be feeling that particular day. It’s important to not beat yourself up, though. There is no ‘right’ way to provide care, and there is no perfect standard you need to live up to. Instead of focusing on what you think you’re not doing ‘right,’ channel that energy into looking at everything you’re doing ‘well’ … and finding healthy ways to manage and control your emotions.”

Healthy Ways to Manage Negative Emotions

Allow yourself to feel what you’re feeling. Bottling up your emotions doesn’t make them go away – it simply compresses them and allows them to simmer until you reach your “breaking point.” (It also increases your stress, which can affect your physical and mental health, which in turn makes you a less successful caregiver.) Instead of ignoring them, give yourself the opportunity to express your feelings. Scream into a pillow, find a quiet place to cry or do whatever else (safely) allows you to experience the emotion in full. Then, once you’ve had your opportunity to vent, you may want to make a list of things you’re grateful for – which can be helpful and cathartic.

Be honest with people when they ask, “how are you?” It’s natural to want to not share everything with everyone, especially if you’re going through a tough time. We aren’t advocating for oversharing with everyone in your life, but it can be very beneficial to find a close friend or family member in whom you can confide. Having someone with whom you can be yourself and express yourself fully – whether that’s a friend, a support group or with a licensed professional – ”talking it out” helps you work through your feelings and allows you to feel that you’re not alone.

Understand your triggers, your expectations and your limits. Our emotions and feelings don’t occur in a bubble. In a calm moment, give yourself some space to consider why, when and how your negative feelings arise. Are you consistently holding yourself to expectations that are too high? Do you find yourself in situations that continually try your patience? Are there people you interact with who set you off for one reason or another? Although you may not be able to entirely avoid situations that cause negative emotions, you can identify them and take steps to make them more bearable. By recognizing the things that are causing your emotions, you may be able to uncover the motivation behind them – and ways to improve the situation.

Find time to get away. Yes, we know – there isn’t enough time in the day for you to take care of everything you need to do, much less everything you want to do. But if your loved one lives with you, it’s essential for your health that you get away from time to time. Whether you go out for dinner with friends, attend a movie with your spouse, go for a run in the park or grab coffee with a bestie, being away from your caregiver role will give you a breath of fresh air and the momentum you need to keep moving forward. You may also wish to consider using respite care, such as an adult day care or hired caregiver, to give you the time you need.

Make space for “you” at home. Being a live-in caregiver is a round-the-clock job. However, you don’t have to be on the clock every second of every day. In fact, you need to find your own personal time at home, too. Carve out some time for you each day to do something you enjoy, like reading a book, doing yoga, practicing a favorite craft or anything else you like. You may have to do this before your loved one gets up or after they go to bed, but doing this regularly will help you find happiness in each day – which can help you manage your emotions before they get out of control.

Get enough exercise. Did you know our mental health and outlook is greatly affected by exercise? It’s one of the best ways to manage stress and clear our heads. Having good mental clarity will help you control your emotions and your feelings. Research has shown that 30 minutes of moderate exercise during the day (like taking a brisk walk) boosts moods, decreases stress, improves our heart health and keeps our brains sharp – and that’s just the short list of benefits.

Remove yourself from the situation. When you feel your emotions rising up and threatening to get the better of you, find ways to disengage from the situation and diffuse emotions – both yours and the feelings of others. You may need to step into another room, or you may need to have a list of standard phrases you can use to take a step back, take a deep breath and find some calm. There are many techniques you can use in the heat of the moment to center yourself and refocus your energy on something more positive. Things like deep breathing, short meditation and mantras can all help you get out of your negative headspace, clear your mind and allow you to control your emotions.

“Humans are emotional by nature, and it’s what allows us to form lasting and meaningful bonds with others,” says Alicia. “By finding ways to control our emotions so they don’t overwhelm us, we’re better able to feel more fully, love more deeply and have richer, better quality of life for ourselves and our loved ones with dementia.”

Exceptional Care & Fulfilling Lifestyle

Bridges® by EPOCH at Hingham provides memory care assisted living that is comfortable, positive, safe and engaging. Exclusively dedicated to caring for those with Alzheimer’s disease and other forms of dementia, our community offers a wellness-focused lifestyle that promotes dignity and individual preferences. Our memory care professionals receive specialized and ongoing training designed to help residents maximize their independence in a secure, calm environment – enriching the lives of our residents every day.

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No matter what level of care or service is needed, residents and families can rest assured that our care and life enrichment programs address the various stages of memory decline, allowing residents the opportunity to age in place.

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At Bridges® by EPOCH at Hingham, our services are designed to recognize and adapt to the unique challenges and individuality of each resident, while ensuring comfort and safety. We believe in a full-service approach to care and provide a high level of personalized attention for residents in various stages of memory loss.

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