Dealing with the death of a parent is difficult no matter how old or young you are. Yes, the passing of a parent is the natural order of things, but that doesn’t mean it can’t be devastating and cause significant upheaval in your life.
The loss of a parent can be overwhelming, no matter how much you may think you are prepared.
Whether you had a good, bad or complicated relationship with your mother or father, it is more than likely that you had strong feelings for them in some way, shape or form. And no matter how difficult or easy your relationship with them may have been, there is always some form of love tied up in our memories of our parents.
When we feel love for someone, it’s natural to grieve for them once they have passed from our lives. This can be a difficult feeling to work through, but it’s important to support yourself and allow yourself to work through the emotions you’re experiencing. Grieving and mourning is an essential part of healing.
One of the first ways adult children can help cope with the loss of a parent is by understanding the fact that you aren’t ready for it. Even if your Mom or Dad had been struggling with an illness like Alzheimer’s for some time and you knew that the end was near, the actual act of passing is a reality like none other – and none of us are ever ready for it. Don’t push your feelings to the side or think that you’re overreacting.
In the same vein, you should not allow anyone to tell you to “get over it” or make you feel bad about how you’re feeling or reacting. You are entitled to grieve and feel all the emotions that come with the situation. Do your best to remove yourself from those who may belittle your loss or make you feel guilty for the way you feel.
Here are some other suggestions of productive, healthy ways adult children can process the grief of losing a parent.
Expect to feel many emotions – some that may surprise you.
Grief is just one of the feelings you may experience after a parent dies. However, you may also feel relief, anger, guilt, sadness or any other variety of emotions. These can occur right away, simultaneously or may even pop up months or years later. As strange as some of the emotions may feel, understand that they are normal, healthy and should be experienced as they come. Allow yourself to feel what you’re feeling; don’t judge yourself or try to push the feelings aside. It may be beneficial to find a professional or a close friend you can confide in as you explore your emotions through the grieving process.
Be kind to yourself.
Grief can be an exhausting feeling and process. No one grieves the same way, and your journey will be unique to the relationship you had with your parent. Don’t try to compare what you’re feeling with how others may have dealt with similar situations, or even grief you’ve felt in the past from another loss. Don’t try to hurry the process along, and be kind to yourself – whatever you may be feeling. Take things one day at a time, which will allow you to work through your feelings and situation in a way that’s beneficial for you.
Understand that grief doesn’t go away.
Grief is something you can work through and process, but it will always be a part of your life. That may sound dire, but the truth of the matter is that the loss never goes away – and that’s okay. It doesn’t mean that you won’t be able to move on and continue to have a happy life. Grief may come and go, and will always be a part of your life in some way, just as the memories and love you had for your parent will always be a part of your life.
Connect with others who have been there before.
While your grief journey is unique, it doesn’t mean that you’re alone. In fact, connecting with a support group for those who have lost a parent can be incredibly beneficial to you – both now and in the future. Gathering with others, whether in person or online, can provide you with emotional support, friendships and tips and tools for helping find ways to heal following the loss of your loved one.
Recognize that your family dynamic may change.
If you have siblings, the death of your parent may affect them differently than it does you. Everyone’s relationship is unique, and you may be surprised at how your siblings and other families process the loss in their own way. Unfortunately, the death of a parent can also stir up conflicts and cause rifts in families due to finances, funeral decisions or hurt feelings that have been kept hidden for some time. However, many families find that the death of a beloved parent can actually bring them closer together and deepen their existing relationships.
Treasure your memories.
As you work through the grief and process what life looks like without your parent in it, remember that he or she will live on in your memories and the traditions of your family. Treasure the moments that you had together, and don’t be afraid to share them with friends and family. The memories may make you laugh, they may make you cry, or they may make you feel frustrated all over again … but however you react to them, remember they are an important part of the relationship you shared.
Remember that grief is a process and not an event that has a definitive start and end. The most important part is to be tolerant, patient and kind with yourself. Your life will change forever now that your loved one is gone, but their love will always, always be with you.
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