Alicia Seaver is the Vice President of Memory Care Operations for EPOCH Senior Living and a Certified Memory Impairment Specialist. Every month, she addresses a specific issue related to memory and memory care. If you’re interested in hearing about a particular topic, please send a note to [email protected].
Q: Help! I’m juggling work, taking care of my family and being a caregiver for my mom. Sometimes I get mad and resentful, and then I feel guilty about feeling that way. How can I manage everything without feeling bad?
A: Being a caregiver is a tough job, and you’re not alone in feeling the way you do. Ask any caregiver, and you’ll discover they’re grappling with feelings of guilt, exhaustion and a lack of balance.
In a perfect world, we’d be able to take care of our loved one, be a star performer at work, have a house Martha Stewart would envy and be able to get a gourmet dinner on the table every night. But we’re not in a perfect world, and during those precious 24 hours each day, we’re juggling responsibilities right and left. It’s no surprise that caregivers are left feeling like they don’t do enough, or they aren’t good enough or they aren’t fill-in-the-blank enough.
Feeling guilty isn’t good for anybody. In fact, it can be pretty detrimental, because it leads to caregiver burnout and depression. It’s easier said than done to take a step back and find ways to avoid caregiver’s guilt (trust me, I know), but it’s essential to find ways to find a balance so you can provide the best care for your loved one … and give yourself the care you so desperately need.
Here are my top five tips for helping to avoid guilt and maintaining a positive outlook and achieving balance in your life.
1. Don’t try to be perfect.
Guilt is built on the belief that we’re not doing enough. Turn on your rational brain, look at yourself and realize that there will always be a difference between what we’re able to do and give and what we think we should be accomplishing. We’re always our hardest critics, and it can be freeing to realize that we’re putting undue expectations on ourselves. When you accept that you’re doing the best you can, and that means not doing everything, you’ll find yourself feeling less guilty.
2. Don’t expect.
That’s it: don’t expect. Don’t expect that your loved one will be grateful for your assistance all the time or that you’ll be able to handle every challenge that comes your way perfectly. This is an unrealistically high standard to set upon yourself (and others), and the fact of the matter is that you can’t control how other people think or react – especially when it comes to someone suffering from dementia. So don’t expect miracles to happen, because you’ll only feel bad when they don’t materialize. Instead, accept the reality and do what you can and are willing to do.
3. Be more than just a caregiver.
You are so much more than just a caregiver. You’re likely a parent, child, friend and co-worker. Those other aspects of your life are just as important as your caregiver side, and it’s important to nourish and maintain those other aspects of yourself. By maintaining those social connections, you’ll find balance and help keep good emotional health.
4. Embrace, or at least tolerate, your feelings.
It’s okay to have negative feelings when you’re a caregiver. In fact, it’s completely natural. Being angry or annoyed doesn’t make you a bad person. It means you’re human, with normal human emotions. Don’t beat yourself up for having negative thoughts, but do recognize them and move past them in a healthy manner.
5. Find what motivates you.
When we feel like we have to do something, we can become resentful, which can make us feel more guilty. If you feel obligated in your caregiver role, try to refocus your motivation and approach. Why are you really doing this? What positive benefits do you get by caring for your loved one? By focusing on positive feelings, you can help chase stress and guilt away.
For more helpful caregiver tips, reach out to Alicia Seaver via the “Ask Alicia” feature on our website. You can send her a direct question, and she will be happy to help answer any questions you may have about dementia or being a caregiver to someone with memory loss.
Enhancing Quality of Life
Bridges® by EPOCH communities have been developed from the ground up to anticipate, meet and exceed the needs of our residents and their families. Our team of remarkable people, the exceptional care and services we offer and the purposeful design of our buildings all combine to create the most rewarding, secure and nurturing lifestyle possible for our residents.
We understand the concern families feel about ensuring quality of life for loved ones. That’s why, at Bridges® by EPOCH, we offer a wellness-centered lifestyle that focuses on reinforcing individual strength so residents enjoy heightened confidence and self-esteem. Ultimately, we provide everything residents need to thrive and rediscover a life with purpose.
Inspiration for Success
At our Bridges® by EPOCH communities, we work closely with families to gain necessary insight and deeper understanding into the lives of our residents upon admission. With this initial information, along with what our exceptional team members learn about our residents each and every day, we are best prepared to provide highly individualized programming for our residents.