“I, Mary, take you, John…”
When we exchange wedding vows with our spouse, we’re generally thinking of the good times ahead – more of the “in health” part of marriage instead of “in sickness.” But when your husband or wife is diagnosed with a dementia such as Alzheimer’s disease, the “in sickness” part of your vows is suddenly thrust front and center. While the now-caregiving spouse moves forward with their new role in love, it can quickly become a challenging and difficult task as the disease slowly takes over the marriage.
“Since dementia is a progressive disease, the shift from spouse to caregiver can creep in and, before you know it, overtake your life,” says Chrissy Ross, Executive Director of Bridges® by EPOCH at Mashpee. “The early stages of dementia often only require a minor shift in your daily life, so the changes you and your spouse are facing may seem relatively easy. However, minor changes can become monumental challenges as your spouse’s symptoms become more severe during the middle and later stages of dementia.”
For many, says Chrissy, it’s difficult to rectify the mental decline of their spouse while he or she still remains physically healthy. “It can be easier in a way to accept a caregiving role when the changes to your spouse are visible,” she says. “When the person looks the same but is suddenly acting differently, it can be a challenge to understand what’s happening and not take it personally.”
The Challenges Dementia Brings to a Marriage
When dementia appears in a marriage, the spousal relationship begins to shift. What began as a lifelong friendship, partnership and love affair starts to become similar to a parent-child role. The healthy spouse is suddenly responsible for the other in every way, shape or form, while the spouse with dementia may start to develop anger and resentment for being treated “like a child” all the time.
Physical intimacy often changes as well. Interest in sex can decrease on the part of the healthy spouse, while the spouse with dementia may develop inappropriate behaviors and actually have an increased desire for sex. Balancing these emotions can be frustrating and difficult for both parties.
There are also very real physical, emotional and practical effects that dementia can have on a caregiver. Caregivers often neglect their own health, and thus end up developing serious illnesses and conditions, or having to have emergency medical care more frequently. Caregivers often deal with a high level of stress and experience depression and anxiety on a frequent basis. And, of course, caregivers are affected financially by the disease, as they have to spend more money on their loved ones needs and can end up decreasing or quitting their job responsibilities.
Tips for Success
While transitioning from a spouse to a dementia caregiver is challenging, it is still possible to have a fulfilling and satisfying marriage. In order to do this, you and your spouse will need to redefine your marriage and accept your new roles. As the healthy spouse, you will also need to understand the importance of taking care of yourself and asking for support when you need it. It will require planning, open hearts, understanding and patience, but you can find acceptance and peace in this new phase of your relationship.
Understand and accept that things will change. As the healthy spouse, you will end up shouldering the burden of work in your home and marriage. Eventually, you will have to handle all the responsibilities of the household and caregiving as your spouse’s disease progresses. It is completely normal to grieve the loss of your relationship as it was, so give yourself time to process and accept this. It can be helpful to join a support group or see a professional to help you work through the changes throughout this process.
Remember that the changes happening are because of the disease, not your loved one. It can be hard to not take your loved one’s behaviors personally when they lash out or have sudden behavioral changes. Remind yourself that any changes happening are because of the dementia and not because of your spouse’s feelings towards you. By educating yourself on the disease and understanding why these changes are happening, you will be able to better cope with the changes and help your spouse work through them, too.
Keep a sense of humor. Laughter really is the best medicine. Although dementia is in and of itself no laughing matter, it is important to understand that it’s just one part of your multifaceted life and relationship. Finding things that you and your spouse can laugh about together will help keep your relationship healthy, reduce stress and tensions and release endorphins. This is another reason why joining a support group can help – you’ll be able to talk about your situation with others who are facing the same things and find shared humor in the situation.
Continue to work on your marriage. Love, as they say, is a verb – not a noun. As your marriage continues to shift and redefine itself, you’ll want to look for ways to build happiness and strength into your relationship. Hold his hand, share a favorite dessert together and find ways to express your love every day. While you may not be able to connect sexually as much as you did before, you can still find new opportunities to connect. Take walks together, pull out old photo albums and reminisce about the past, read books together and simply find ways to take advantage of the time you have.
Don’t do it alone. There’s no reason you have to do everything yourself – in fact, asking for help is the strongest and best thing you can do for yourself. Seek out professional resources in your area like online or in-person support groups, home health care agencies or respite care. You can also reach out to friends and family members and ask for assistance – you may be surprised at how many of them are just waiting for you to ask. Caring for yourself and making time for you to focus on you will make you a better caregiver and better spouse throughout this journey.
At Bridges® by EPOCH at Mashpee, we understand that dementia is very much a family matter, and have extensive experience in assisting spouses in every way possible through the dementia journey. Always remember that support and encouragement is available, helping relieve your burden so you and your spouse can continue to love and cherish each other, even in face of these challenges.”
For more information on how to manage the changes dementia brings to a marriage, please contact Bridges® by EPOCH at Mashpee at 508.477.0043.
Peace of Mind for Cape Cod Seniors and Their Families
Bridges® by EPOCH at Mashpee provides assisted living memory care that is comfortable, positive, safe and engaging. Exclusively dedicated to caring for those with Alzheimer’s disease and other forms of dementia or memory impairment, we’ve created a wellness-focused lifestyle that promotes dignity and individual preferences. Our memory care professionals receive specialized and ongoing training designed to help residents maximize their independence in a secure, calm environment – making a truly positive impact on the lives of our residents each and every day.
Age in Place
While many memory care assisted living communities are unable to care for those whose memory loss has progressed, Bridges® by EPOCH at Mashpee can continue to provide a home and care no matter the stage. Our age in place philosophy helps residents avoid the stress often associated with moving to another community and offers peace of mind to their families. Perhaps the best benefit, your loved one remains in the care of those they’ve grown to know and trust.
Supportive, Engaging Services
At Bridges® by EPOCH at Mashpee, we offer a program of care and services that celebrates life and supports individual strengths. Our compassionate and engaging approach adapts to the unique challenges and individuality of each resident. No matter what stage of memory loss a resident may be experiencing, families can be sure their loved one will receive a full array of services and a high level of personalized attention.
Call us today at 508.477.0043 to learn more or about Bridges® by EPOCH at Mashpee or to schedule a personal tour.