The holidays bring happiness and joy, but they also bring stress. Everyday life doesn’t disappear because Christmas music starts playing, so all the demands of the season – cooking, shopping, gathering, partying – get heaped on top of our already busy (sometimes chaotic) lives. This is especially true for caregivers of seniors with dementia, who may already be stretched to the limit throughout the rest of the year.
“On top of the guilt and stress that caregivers may be feeling on a regular basis, the holidays add an extra layer of guilt because we’re supposed to be happy that it’s this time of year,” says Beth Vellante, Executive Director of Bridges® by EPOCH at Andover, a memory care assisted living community in Andover, MA. “This can mean exhaustion, snapping at our loved ones and sadness as old hurts or happier memories rise to the surface. It’s hard caring for a loved one as their memory goes. It’s hard remembering holidays past that were more peaceful and traditional.”
That’s why it’s so important for you as a caregiver to take time this holiday season to practice mindfulness, she says. “Not just because it will help you find peace and calm in this chaotic season, but also because it will help you be more present, willing and available for your loved one with dementia. You’ll be able to provide better care because you’re taking care of your needs, too.”
How Stress Affects Us
Stress, whether it’s everyday or holiday related, actually changes your brain. Your amygdala, a nut-shaped area of your brain, is programmed to respond to stress by mobilizing your body’s resources and responding to the perceived threat. This causes a faster heartbeat, a quickened breath to draw oxygen into your blood, a flood of adrenaline, focused attention and narrowed vision – think “fight or flight”. While these are all good things to have when you’re facing down an emergency or serious threat that will pass relatively quickly, it’s a lot less helpful when you’re handling chronic, ongoing stress that’s more the norm than the exception.
This causes your body to stay on “red alert” at all times, which leads to high blood pressure, heart problems, depression and a slew of other issues. This state also sort of “trains” your brain by reinforcing the neural pathways that are being used, which causes the amygdala to actually increase in size. Too much stress too often, and those neural pathways you’re reinforcing will become your default approach to any of life’s challenges, and make it that much more difficult to respond with a rational, calm and helpful approach.
While chronic stress increases hurtful knee-jerk reactions, mindfulness has the opposite effect. It stimulates the hippocampus areas and prefrontal cortex of our brains, helping make mindfulness your default emotion.
Defining Mindfulness
Mindfulness can be a lot of different things. It can be prayer, meditation, positive thinking or the simple action of being present “in the moment” without zoning out or letting other things get in the way. It’s originally a Buddhist concept but was adopted as an alternative therapy in 1979, when scientist and professor Jon Kabat-Zinn used the practice to develop an 8-week program to help patients who weren’t seeing results with traditional medicine. He discovered that by adopting meditation (as well as some other habits like yoga) patients healed faster, had less stress, improved their immune systems and experienced less pain.
This all sounds well and good on paper, but it’s harder to put into practice – especially if your loved one with dementia is taking up a lot of your bandwidth. As with any habit, it takes a little focus and some practice in order to start making it a part of your everyday life. The best part of mindfulness is that you can practice it anywhere: standing in line, baking cookies, helping your loved one get dressed or on your drive to work. Here are some tips to help you focus and be present this holiday season.
1) Practice active listening. This means listening – really listening – to what the other person is saying. We’re so distracted these days with cell phones and other stimuli that it’s easy to tune out a conversation (or your loved one asking a question over and over). Focus on what the person is really saying – not just through their words, but also through their body language and actions. You may be surprised at what you learn.
3) Be open to emotions. Both for yourself and for others you encounter. The holidays can stir up a range of emotions. For individuals with dementia, it can trigger confusion and anxiety as their schedules are thrown off, and you may find yourself mourning the loss of what the holidays “once were”. It’s important to respect these emotions, acknowledge their presence and allow yourself space to process them in a healthy way.
4) Accept help. As a caregiver, you know that the best gift you can receive is a little help now and then. So be bold and ask for the assistance you need from those around you. Ask your sister to watch your mom as you do holiday shopping, or see if there’s a senior day care where your loved one can experience new relationships and holiday fun while under the care of experienced professionals. By allowing others to help, you give yourself time back that you can use to focus on you.
5) Let go of judgment. It’s easy to be grouchy if your across-the-country-living brother comes to visit and immediately starts making comments about your parents’ care. It’s also easy to feel guilty because you, in your mind, aren’t “doing enough” for your family, your loved one or for the holidays in general. When you start feeling these emotions, take a deep breath (and a step back), and try to separate the actions from the emotions. You may need to remove yourself from the situation for a bit, which is okay. The most important part is to be kind to yourself and to others.
6) Realize that “should” does not mean “must.” Just because you feel like you should be taking your loved one to all the family holiday parties doesn’t mean that it’s the best choice for you (or your loved one). Or if you feel like you should put up a big Christmas tree with all the trimmings but just don’t have the energy to drag the ornaments out of the basement. Instead of focusing on what you “should” be doing, think instead about what you can do, what you have to do and what can be pushed to the side. By saying “no” to things that really aren’t important, you’ll make the space and time you need to relax and enjoy the season in your own way.
7) Take care of yourself. As caregivers, it’s always easy to put ourselves last. But during a busy holiday season, you need that self-care more than ever. Make sure you get enough sleep and exercise, and be sure to take time to do things you enjoy and that help you recharge. This will make you feel better – maybe even putting you in the holiday spirit! – so you can be calmer and more attentive to your loved one this holiday season.
There’s a reason why mindfulness is called a “practice” – it’s something you are continually working on. Mindfulness doesn’t mean being perfect; it just means taking the time to acknowledge the moment and proceed without judgement or tension (as much as is possible).
If you would like more information about caregiving tips for you or a loved one with dementia, contact us at 978.775.1070.
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