Welcome to Alicia’s monthly advice column where she’ll provide tips on caring for a loved one with dementia. Alicia Seaver is the Director of Memory Care at Bridges® by EPOCH and is a certified memory impairment specialist. This month’s topic is creating meaningful moments.
One of the saddest aspects of dementia can be the changes within a marriage. It can feel like a vision for the future, support with finances and household management, and sharing life with a confidante, activity partner, lover, friend and more, are gone.
With all of the focus on healthcare and related urgencies, it can be easy to lose sight of the existing possibility for connection. Because dementia is a progressive illness, creating meaningful moments requires deliberate action and, equally important, receptivity, in the present, rather than resisting what is or hoping things will get better. While each couple will need to find what works for them, here are a few general suggestions for maximizing the bond you still have.
Attitude: As best you can, let go and be present. This requires working through and accepting one’s grief, which is no small task. However, by clinging too tightly to memories, we risk missing the opportunities that are available now.
Imagine a pair of professors accustomed to intense intellectual debate over the evening news. The spouse with dementia, who can no longer track the news, might make a new and uncharacteristic “bid” for connection, such as reaching out for physical affection, or singing along with the news show theme song. It could be anything at all. It’s up to the caregiving spouse to recognize and engage these bids, rather than dismissing them.
Be persistent, but not insistent: This may appear contradictory, but this tack rests on an attitude of presence and acceptance.
Try to recall any and all romantic behaviors and gestures that you two shared, especially from the early days. You never know which gesture will light up a part of their brain that can still respond. This practice can also help the caregiver revive their own feelings of love, which is inviting to your spouse.
If at first you don’t succeed, try again another day. Maybe your spouse fails to engage the first few times you play with their wedding ring, or try to get them to dance. But another day may yield a different result.
Be playful and lighthearted. Pressure, judgment, frustration or forcefulness are not helpful.
Memory Box: This is a wonderful, tactile tool for helping your spouse reactivate memories. You could make one specifically for your relationship, and include all kinds of mementos. You can make it as family-oriented or as sexy and romantic as you like. The more multi-sensory, the better. Love letters, postcards, vacation souvenirs, weddings invitations, photographs, movies, books, music and recipes are just a place to start.
Art, Music, Dance: Playful shared creativity, without expectation or pressure, can be a great way to elicit connection. Dance to your wedding music, take photos inside or outside. Draw, paint or sing together, and listen to or play music. Resources for children, such as coloring books, paint by number, or kiddie instruments, might work well.
It can be easy to get lost in the pressures and responsibilities of caregiving. But do take time to savor the remaining moments. You may find, someday, that these have become some of your most cherished memories.
If there is a topic you would like Alicia to discuss, please send suggestions to [email protected].