In the first part of this blog we discussed Alan Beamer’s heartfelt video detailing the changes he has witnessed in his friends following his Alzheimer’s diagnosis. In this part, we’ll offer suggestions for being a friend to someone with dementia.
Things to Keep in Mind:
- Know that this is not easy. Allow yourself to grieve the loss of the person and the relationship you once had, but don’t do it with the affected individual. Seek support for your own emotional and spiritual needs from friends, family, community and professionals.
- Educate yourself: there are extensive resources available such as books, articles and movies, in addition to the Alzheimer’s Association. The more you know about the disease and its progression, the better you will be able to recognize, anticipate and understand what your friend is going through. (While Alzheimer’s is the most common, dementia can be caused by many conditions. Try to find out what specific illness your friend is dealing with.)
- Know that you are making a difference and that your presence is deeply appreciated, even if the person with the disease doesn’t or can’t express that. Affirm yourself for hanging in there.
Tips for Spending Time with Your Friend:
- As much as possible, focus on the person your friend is now.
- If you want to remember the “way things were,” use that as a springboard for positive reminiscing. Multimedia is great: photos, videos, music and other creative expressions make your shared memories come alive in a tangible way.
- Your friend is changing from the person you once knew. Your calm, rock-steady friend may suddenly exhibit a temper. A chatty person may grow quiet. The energetic, weekend athlete may cut visits short because of fatigue. Dementia affects different people in different ways. Don’t take things personally. Cultivate flexibility and expect the unexpected.
- Remember your role as a friend.
- You are not a therapist, doctor, nurse, social worker, coach, clergy or other trained professional. If you feel that needs are going unmet in the family, share your concern and offer resources and information.
- Alternatively, your friend may feel that their whole existence has become medicalized. They may feel tired of being a patient. Your presence as a peer might just be the best part of their day, allowing them a semblance of normalcy.
- If conversation is difficult, parallel activities such as watching a movie together, taking a walk or enjoying a meal can still be satisfying. Just being with someone makes them feel valued.
- You may need to speak more slowly, and/or loudly. Keeping sentences simple can be helpful. Take your cues from them.
- Physical demonstrations of affection can be very meaningful, even if that wasn’t an aspect of your relationship before. Hugs, a gentle touch on the arm, holding hands and rubbing someone’s back or feet all communicate your caring.
Things Not to Do:
- Don’t correct your friend if they are confused or make errors. They may call you the wrong name or think they are in a different time and place, e.g. Flow with it.
- Don’t push your friend past their comfort zone. Accept their capacity in this moment and once again, take your cues from them.
Knowing that you have made a difference in the life of your friend and their family is something that you can feel good about for the rest of your life. While it may be challenging at times to visit with your friend, your continued presence in their life will not go unnoticed or unappreciated.