Of the many plans we make with friends or loved ones, sharing the experience of dementia is typically not one of them. When we hear that a friend is diagnosed with Alzheimer’s or some other form of memory loss, it can easily and understandably send us into our own tailspin.
Some people, for their own personal reasons, will opt to disconnect from the affected friend to a greater or lesser degree. For some the challenges of dementia are simply too great on top of whatever other burdens they may be carrying. But others continue to honor the bonds of friendship, hanging in there for the duration, facing the many challenges and rewards that are the hallmarks of this journey.
It’s a hot topic, thanks to a now viral video posted by Mary Ellen Beamer, of her husband, Alan Beamer. The video has already received more than 645,000 views despite just being posted on Jan. 10.
In the video, Alan, who has Alzheimer’s disease, speaks poignantly about friendship: his sense of loss and frustration, what his friends mean to him, and what he needs from them now. Sharing his hurt, Alan describes how friends seem uncomfortable or even afraid of him, talk around or over him, and have largely stopped visiting as they once did.
The heart of Alan’s message is for his friends to realize that he’s “the same old person.” He may need his wife’s prompting to speak on topic or need you to talk more slowly. He may struggle to find certain words and seem different in a number of ways. But, in the video, Alan asks for recognition that he’s still there, and expresses a preference that people not focus on the disease when they are around him. Alan, too, it seems, wants to be reminded of who he is through the comfort of familiarity. As he states, he wants to hang out and joke around with the guys, just like they always did.
At the end of the video, Mary Ellen, who shared the video on her Facebook page, makes her own plea to Alan’s friends, suggesting that though it may be uncomfortable to be around her husband, it’s also uncomfortable for them, and if they truly love him, she says, they need to spend time with him.
The video is an important reminder to anyone who has a friend or loved one who has been diagnosed with dementia. Watch the full video here.
In a follow-up post, we’ll review some expert advice providing tips on maintaining relationships with friends and loved ones who have dementia.