As dementias such as Alzheimer’s disease progresses, your loved one will require more and more assistance with common tasks of daily living. As a caregiver, this can be incredibly difficult – especially when your senior loved one is pitted against you in a struggle of wills. When your loved one refuses to accept your help, it can be frustrating and aggravating. What are you supposed to do in a situation like this?
“Understanding why your loved one resists your help is an important first step towards finding a solution,” says Barbara Harrison, Executive Director of Bridges® at Pembroke, a memory care assisted living community in Pembroke, MA. “There’s always a reason why someone is reacting the way they are, even if it doesn’t make sense to you or isn’t obvious,” she says. Because of the way dementia affects the brain, reasons for resistance can run the gamut from simple stubbornness to concerning symptoms of their disease.
“No matter how your loved one is reacting, it generally comes back to a feeling of helplessness,” says Barbara. “That’s why it’s so important to understand the root cause of their feelings, address it in a compassionate way and move forward with a solution that provides the assistance they need with as much dignity as possible. Once you can strike that balance, you’ll find that cooperation comes much easier.”
Reasons Why Dementia Patients May Refuse Help
Here’s the thing: no one likes feeling helpless. Even seniors who are otherwise in good health can become grumpy and stubborn when they feel like they have to rely on someone else for assistance. Add dementia into the mix, and that stubbornness becomes even more complex. According to experts, there are several major reasons why dementia causes your loved one to resist care, including:
● Pride. Pride does not go away as dementia progresses. For someone who has been independent for decades, it is incredibly difficult to accept help with personal tasks like bathing, dressing or grooming.
● Changes to routine. You may be asking your loved one to do something that isn’t what he or she would normally do. For example, the senior may normally stay up late, so they become resistant when you tell them it’s time for bed at 8:30 p.m.
● Confusion. As dementia progresses, your loved one might not understand what you’re asking or why they need to do what you say. This confusion can make it hard for them to think logically, and can cause them to become overwhelmed and shut down.
● Feeling rushed. It just takes longer to do things when you’re older, whether a person has dementia or not. When you’re doing a task or activity, have patience and make sure there’s lots of extra time in order to get everything completed. If your loved one feels rushed, their frustration and agitation will increase.
● Loss of control. Losing independence is a scary thing, and your loved one may be reacting from fear or anger at their loss of ability. A refusal to cooperate may be the only way they can feel like they have some semblance of control.
● Depression. Depression is common with dementia patients. This results in feeling miserable, having a lack of energy and losing interest in things they once enjoyed – all which makes it harder to cooperate. Consider talking to a physician and seeing if antidepressants could help.
● Changing perceptions. As dementia progresses, your loved one will have more difficulty filtering out sensory information. They can also begin perceiving things differently – for example, falling water from a showerhead may look like shattered glass, which can make bath time incredibly scary.
● Mistrust. Since dementia can cause suspicion, delusions and hallucinations, your loved one may not remember who you are or not know why you’re asking them to do certain tasks.
Tips for Gaining Cooperation
While it’s frustrating when you don’t know why your loved one is resisting care, there are steps you can take to manage the situation and get them to accept the assistance you’re offering.
● Stay positive and calm. Your loved one can pick up on your stress and body language, even if they don’t always understand what you’re saying. When you get frustrated and agitated, this increases their agitation, which leads to even more difficulty. Stay calm when your loved one is refusing help, and speak clearly as you explain what you’re asking them to do and why it’s important.
● Have patience. It is frustrating if your loved one simply doesn’t understand you or keeps asking questions. Take a deep breath and repeat what you’ve said slowly. It’s possible you’re trying to give your loved one too much information too quickly – try speaking in simple, short sentences and asking yes or no questions. This makes it easier for someone with dementia to understand and follow your requests.
● Provide as much independence as possible. Try as much as you can to help without becoming suffocating. Reassure them that you’re trying to help them only so that they can do as much as they can by themselves. For example, if they need help taking a bath, offer to wash their hair or back while they wash the rest of their body.
● Be respectful. Remember that your loved one is still the same person they were, and that they deserve respect (like everyone does). He or she will be more likely to cooperate if they’re being treated in a dignified manner and not being treated like a child.
● Be flexible. Remember that the best-laid plans can easily become derailed when your loved one has dementia. If you need to adjust your plans, do so – and don’t get upset. Your loved one may be refusing to cooperate simply because it’s bad timing. If you’re just not getting anywhere, let it go for now and try again at a later time.
● Join a support group. Talking with other caregivers can be a tremendous support, as well as a great resource. By sharing stories and advice with others who are going through the same things you are, you’ll pick up tips and ideas on how to be a better caregiver and how to make things run more smoothly at home.
If you would like to learn more about support for caregivers of dementia patients, please call us at 781.754.4500.
Compassionate Care for All Stages of Memory Loss
Bridges® by EPOCH at Pembroke provides assisted living memory care that is comfortable, positive, safe and engaging. Exclusively dedicated to caring for those with Alzheimer’s disease and other forms of dementia or memory impairment, we’ve created a wellness-focused lifestyle that promotes dignity and individual preferences. Our memory care professionals receive specialized and ongoing training designed to help residents maximize their independence in a secure, calm environment – making a truly positive impact on the lives of our residents each and every day.
Dedicated Memory Care
The team of compassionate dementia-care experts at Bridges® by EPOCH at Pembroke delivers 24-hour assistance and inspiring programs that exercise physical and cognitive abilities – all in a supportive, purposefully designed environment. For added peace of mind, we offer simple, all-inclusive pricing options that help make the process a little easier for families.
Community Amenities
Characterized by a beautiful residential design, Bridges® by EPOCH at Pembroke provides everything residents with memory loss need to enjoy comfort, familiarity and security. Soft colors, directional cues, aromatherapy and interactive life stations create a peaceful and secure environment where residents feel at home.
Call us today at 781.754.4500 to learn more about Bridges® by EPOCH at Pembroke or to schedule a personal tour.