The holidays are supposed to be a happy time, filled with friends and family and good cheer. But for people who have lost a loved one, or who are living with a very different situation now that their loved one has Alzheimer’s disease or another form of dementia, this time of year can be difficult and painful. Memories of what once was can overwhelm us, causing us to feel pain as we see others celebrating or watch images of the “perfect” Christmas on TV.
Because they’re so focused on tradition, holidays can be a very painful reminder of loss. Seeing others who are feeling grateful and are celebrating when we feel sad, lonely or overwhelmed can be incredibly difficult. Holidays, more than any other time in the year, force us to look at how different our lives are since the loss of our loved one, whether they’ve died or have changed significantly due to a health issue like dementia.
It’s perfectly normal and healthy to experience grief when you’ve experienced a loss. However, it is possible to grieve and experience joy at the same time. If you’re struggling with a loss this holiday season, here are some tips for helping you cope during the next several months.
1. Understand that grief allows us to heal.They say that “time heals all wounds”, but the expression should actually be “grief helps ease the pain”. The Greeks had a word – catharsis – that defined the process using strong emotion to process grief or trauma. Therapists these days would say that it’s much healthier and more productive to feel your emotions instead of pushing them aside or ignoring them. If you’re feeling sorrow or grief during the holiday season, do your best not to push it away. By experiencing fully what you’re feeling, you will be able to work through the grieving process and, eventually, come to a better place.
2. Set realistic expectations. It’s tempting to want to do things the same way we’ve always done them. But remind yourself that things are different this year. Take a good, hard look at the responsibilities on your plate and decide if you’re up to the task of taking care of them. There’s no shame in passing the buck to others this year. Your loved ones and family members will understand, and more than likely would love to help you out however they can.
3. Surround yourself with love and support. The people who care about you will be your best support during the season. Share your plans with them, and let them know if there will be any changes in your holiday routine. You may wish to “cancel” the holiday or hide yourself away for the world – which is fine for a bit; it’s important to give yourself some solitude – but be sure to balance it with activities with those you love.
4. Draw comfort from doing for others. Consider giving a donation or gift in memory of you loved one. Invite a guest who might otherwise be alone for the holidays. Adopt a needy family during the holiday season.
5. Set boundaries. You don’t have to force yourself to do every holiday event this year. If attending a certain party or dealing with an office gift exchange is too painful, allow yourself the freedom and space to say “no”. The only person you have to please is yourself – and others will certainly understand.
6. Honor your loved one’s memory. Think of something you can do to celebrate or memorialize your loved one if they can no longer participate in holiday traditions. Whether it’s making your loved one’s favorite holiday dish or lighting a candle on a specific night, honoring their memory can be a beautiful way to have them with you, always.
7. Start new traditions. Just because you’ve “always” done certain things at the holidays doesn’t mean you have to continue doing them now that life is different. This is especially helpful if your loved one is dealing with dementia or another form of loss. Adapting beloved traditions is a great way to pay tribute to your past while at the same time helping them fit better with your new reality.
8. Practice self-care. There’s a lot of excess that takes place at the holidays. Instead of relying on alcohol or food to self-medicate, practice good habits like exercise, or therapeutic writing. Take a walk or treat yourself to a massage. Give yourself permission to spoil and be kind to yourself – you definitely deserve it.
9. Focus on the things you can control. There are many things you can’t control at this time of year, like the weather, or ever-present Christmas music or hearing about happy couples’ holiday plans. Instead of dwelling on those, focus instead on what you can do to please yourself. If putting up a Christmas Tree limit your decor to a wreath – or nothing at all! Pick the things you can assert control over and focus on what makes you happy.
10. Ask for help. If you’re struggling, don’t be afraid to reach out. Oftentimes your loved ones are just waiting for you to let them know how they can help. You can also search for support groups or therapists who can help you ride out this time of the year. No one likes to show weakness, but there’s no shame in asking for help. In fact, you can think of it as you giving your loved ones the opportunity they’re looking for to support you during this difficult time.
Whether you’re struggling with the death of a beloved family member or are grieving the loss of “normal” now that a family member is dealing with dementia or another serious health issue, the most important thing to remember is that there is no wrong or right way to celebrate the holidays this year. Plan ahead, lean others for support and be kind to yourself and that the best way to cope with that first holiday season is to plan ahead, get support from others and take it easy.
If you would like more information about dealing with grief during the holiday season, contact us today.
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