Guilt is a constant companion to caregivers and family members who have a loved one with Alzheimer’s disease or another form of dementia. But even though it’s a feeling that’s natural and to be expected, it’s essential to find ways to cope, says Barbara Harrison, Executive Director of Bridges® by EPOCH at Westwood, a memory care assisted living community in Westwood, MA.
“Caring for or supporting someone with dementia can be incredibly challenging,” she says. “It’s normal to experience a wide range of emotions – some of them at the same time. Guilt is, by far, the most prevalent feeling family members and loved ones report. It’s easy to see why – you may feel like you’re not doing good enough at caring for your loved one, or you feel like you’re struggling when you shouldn’t be.”
Identifying and acknowledging your feelings of guilt, says Barbara, is the first step to managing and moving past them. “Although guilt will never really go away, there are strategies you can use to cope with the guilt and keep it from overwhelming your life,” she says. “Feeling guilty all the time will lead to stress, anxiety, depression and eventually caregiver burnout – all things that make it harder for you to care for your loved one, and ratchet up your guilt even further.”
There are many situations where it’s natural for family members to feel guilt. Here are some of the most common ones, and some advice on how to manage your feelings when they occur.
You feel like you aren’t managing as well as other caregivers.
“We often recommend that caregivers and loved ones join support groups in order to learn from other peoples’ experiences and gain useful information,” says Barbara. “The flip side of this is that you might start to feel guilty because you think other caregivers are coping better than you, or doing more than you.” Whatever your situation, remember that there’s no such thing as the perfect caregiver, daughter, son or friend.
Suggested ways to cope: Take a moment to think about the reality of the situation. Are your expectations too high? What are you doing that you are proud of? Is there anything you can do to reduce your expectations or get help for yourself? Remember, it’s okay to ask for help. In fact, you may find that other family members and friends will leap at the chance to help you.
You feel guilty for how you treated your loved one before they were diagnosed.
Dementia isn’t a sudden disease. Oftentimes, there are signs that a person is “slipping,” and friends and family members brush it off as forgetfulness, crankiness or other factors. You may feel guilty for the way you treated your loved one because you didn’t know their lapses were caused by the disease.
Suggested ways to cope: Be kind to yourself and recognize that everyone gets frustrated with their loved ones from time to time. Talk to other caregivers who’ve been in similar situations and realize that you’re not alone. You may wish also to speak to a therapist, a supportive friend or spiritual advisor who can give you advice and, perhaps, allow you to forgive yourself.
You get angry or irritated with your loved one for how they’re acting.
We like to think of caregivers as these “angels” who provide love and assistance to the person with dementia. However, you are also a person, and it’s normal to feel frustrated, angry or resentful towards the person with dementia. This can be a hard pill to swallow, and can leave anyone feeling incredibly guilty.
Suggested ways to cope: When you feel yourself getting angry or frustrated, do what you can to step away from the situation and regroup. It’s good to also always schedule something each day that you enjoy, whether that’s reading a few pages of a book, taking a bath or talking with a friend. Take time to care for yourself, too. Get enough exercise and practice mindfulness techniques, such deep breathing, to help you feel less stressed and more balanced.
You don’t want to spend time with your loved one.
It’s a hard thing to watch the person you love slowly change and become someone you don’t recognize. You may not wish to spend time with them for a variety of reasons – it’s hard on you, it’s sad or you simply need a break (very important if you’re a caregiver). It is, of course, important for you to spend time with your loved one even if you aren’t their caregiver. But it’s also okay to take time to care for yourself. Everyone needs to recharge their batteries, and if you’re shouldering some of the caregiving burden, getting away and doing something else will help you destress and avoid burnout.
Suggested ways to cope: Make time for yourself a priority. If you’re a caregiver and the person you’re caring for isn’t able to be on their own, ask a friend or family member to spend some time with them for a few hours, or if they could take over for a weekend while you take a much-needed break.
You want help but don’t feel like you should ask.
Many caregivers feel like they should be able to manage things by themselves because “that’s what family does.” But, to be frank, that’s impossible. If it takes a village to raise a child, it takes even more to care for someone with Alzheimer’s disease or another form of cognitive decline. You simply can’t do it all. Think about it – even professional caregivers, who are paid to provide services, get to take a break.
Suggested ways to cope: Find ways to outsource some of your tasks. Hiring a cleaning service or setting up grocery delivery is one option. You can also ask friends and family if there are tasks they would be willing to help with on a regular basis. Finally, don’t forget the importance of respite care, adult day care services or in-home caregivers. These services can be priceless in the peace of mind they give you and your family.
You’re moving your loved one into a memory care community.
When your loved one requires more care than you and your family can provide, it’s time to consider moving them into a memory care community. This can feel like a betrayal, because you may have promised Mom or Dad that you’d never “move them into a home.” You may feel like you’ve failed, or that you’re somehow a bad son or daughter for “giving up.”
Suggested solution: “Remember that, even though you may have made a promise to your loved one, that the situation has changed,” says Barbara. “Dementia is all-encompassing and eventually requires your loved one to have around-the-clock care. But you can also give yourself grace, because moving to a memory care community is the kindest and best gift you can give your loved one. He or she will live in a completely safe environment with care available around-the-clock from people who are specially trained and compassionate. It’s truly a gift, for both you and your loved one.”
Exceptional Care & Fulfilling Lifestyle
Bridges® by EPOCH at Westwood provides memory care assisted living that is comfortable, positive, safe and engaging. Exclusively dedicated to caring for those with Alzheimer’s disease and other forms of dementia, our community offers a wellness-focused lifestyle that promotes dignity and individual preferences. Our memory care professionals receive specialized and ongoing training designed to help residents maximize their independence in a secure, calm environment – enriching the lives of our residents every day.
Inspiring Programs for All Stages
No matter what level of care or service is needed, residents and families can rest assured that our care and life enrichment programs address the various stages of memory decline, allowing residents the opportunity to age in place.
Dedicated Memory Care
At Bridges® by EPOCH at Westwood, our services are designed to recognize and adapt to the unique challenges and individuality of each resident, while ensuring comfort and safety. We believe in a full-service approach to care and provide a high level of personalized attention for residents in various stages of memory loss.
Contact us today to learn more.