One of the hardest things that adult children or caregivers can face is moving their loved one to memory care … because, quite often, the loved one will refuse care. They may think that “nothing is wrong with them.” They may be afraid of what’s to come. Or, perhaps, the disease has progressed to the point where they simply can’t comprehend what’s happening or why it’s happening.
“The terrible thing about Alzheimer’s disease and other forms of dementia is that, in the early stages, the individual knows that their brain is changing – and that is very frightening,” says Cindy Wirth, Executive Director of Bridges® by EPOCH at Sudbury, a memory care assisted living community in Sudbury, MA. “Adding to that, the disease is also causing personality changes and shifts, which can cause your loved one to react in unpredictable ways, or even refuse to believe there’s anything wrong with them at all.”
Unfortunately, she says, memory care isn’t really an open-ended discussion – your loved one does need help, and will need to move into memory care. However, there are things you can do to keep it from becoming a tearful battle.
“The best choice, of course, is to start the conversation about memory care as early on in the process so you can begin putting plans in place that will help your loved one feel comfortable and included,” says Cindy. “Nonetheless, there are things you can do at any phase of the dementia journey to work with your loved one and come to a good place when it comes to moving into a memory care community.”
Put yourself in their shoes.
Try to understand how your loved one feels (even though this may be difficult to do in the heat of the moment). Things are very confusing and frightening for them right now. They may not be able to manage their emotions, or they may not understand why this is necessary. Still, the first step towards reaching a place of acceptance is understanding how your loved one feels at this time of life and at this stage of the disease. It may help to do some research and talk to people who’ve already gone through this process with their loved ones. Compassion will go a long way.
Ask your loved one questions.
Even if your loved one with dementia has difficulty expressing themselves, the need for communication and understanding is as strong as ever. Asking questions is a way to give your loved one a little bit of control over the situation, and help you understand what they’re actually feeling. Open-ended questions are the best, because it can give your loved one prompts to express themselves. You could ask, “do you not want to move because you’re afraid it will cost too much? Or that you won’t be able to do the things you want to do?” Although he or she may not be able to give you a clear answer, just asking will let them know that you’re trying to help and understand them.
Be patient.
While you may want to hurry up and get all the decisions made as quickly as possible, understand that this simply won’t happen. Your loved one may not be able to focus on the conversation, or you may have to stop and try again at another time if he or she starts exhibiting unwanted behaviors. This is stressful for both you and your loved one. Instead of getting frustrated, take a deep breath and realize this conversation is a marathon, not a sprint. There are some things you can do in order to help make conversations go as smoothly as possible:
- Stay calm and keep your voice cheerful and kind. Your loved one can pick up on your emotions even if they don’t always understand your words.
- Create a calming environment – you can even turn on your loved one’s favorite music
- Break activities unto small steps, which will help you stay focused and patient
Give them choices and involve them in the process.
No one wants to be told what to do – or to feel like they have no say in matters that concern them. It’s important to involve your loved one in the choices that are being made as much as they are able to do so. Ask your loved one about what type of lifestyle they would want to live, or what type of help they might like for themselves. You may also want to look through pictures of different communities and have your loved one mention things they like or don’t like about different ones. And, of course, if you do tour a memory care community, be sure to take your loved one with you and ask them about it.
Ease into it.
Hopefully, you and your loved one are in a situation where moving into memory care doesn’t have to happen right away. Being able to get your loved one used to the idea will help make things go much more smoothly (and help reduce trauma for both of you). Once you’ve decided on a memory care community that you and your loved one like, visit the community regularly in order to make it seem more familiar. Have a meal there or participate in some activities. This will give your loved one a chance to meet other residents and start building relationships with the staff. If the community has adult day care, you may want to enroll your loved one for several days until it’s time to actually move into the community. Finally, many memory care communities offer short-term respite care. If this is a possible option for you, it gives your loved one a chance to truly experience life in the community without having to “commit” fully.
“We understand that moving your loved one to a memory care community is a difficult decision,” says Cindy. “Our goal at Bridges by EPOCH at Sudbury is to provide to support to families who are going through this change and give you and your loved one with dementia the caring consideration and tools you need to make the move as smooth and enjoyable as possible.”
Exceptional Care & Engaging Lifestyle
Bridges® by EPOCH at Sudbury provides exceptional memory care in a comfortable and engaging environment. Designed specifically to support those with Alzheimer’s disease and other forms of dementia, our community delivers a wellness-focused lifestyle that respects individual preferences and abilities. Our teams receive ongoing, specialized training so they may help residents to safely exercise their independence in a secure, calm environment.
Dedicated Memory Care
Our expert dementia care and comprehensive services are tailored to meet the unique needs of our residents, wherever they are on their journey with memory loss. Our life enrichment programs are personalized to residents’ interests and abilities, providing joy and meaning in daily life and enhancing emotional well-being.
Purpose-Built Design
Bridges® by EPOCH at Sudbury is more than a safe, beautiful place to live; it’s truly a home, where compassionate, dementia-educated caregivers help people with memory loss live more fulfilling lives. Our research-based design features soft lighting and colors, non-glare flooring, directional cues, aromatherapy and interactive life-enrichment stations that empower residents to comfortably move about their home with confidence.
Contact us today to learn more.