Welcome to Alicia’s monthly advice column where she’ll provide tips on caring for a loved one with dementia. Alicia Seaver is a certified memory impairment specialist and Vice President of Memory Care Operations at Bridges® by EPOCH. This month’s topic is family denial.
Moving a loved one to a senior care community can be a complicated, emotionally difficult experience, especially when the person has dementia. It’s common for family members to disagree over whether their loved one is ready for memory care assisted living, oftentimes because one or more family members may have a hard time letting go. Typically, this resistance comes down to denial, guilt or a combination of the two. The resistant person may be in denial about the severity of their loved one’s memory loss and the level of care he or she needs, or they may feel morally obligated to keep their loved one in family care, even if doing so isn’t in anyone’s best interest.
As difficult and painful as it can be, facing the truth of a loved one with dementia’s situation and learning to manage guilt is key to ensuring they receive the best possible care and family members aren’t spread too thin. Though every family’s situation is unique, there are several approaches you can take to help resistant family members cope with their guilt and accept the reality of the situation.
Bring in an outside source. An objective, third-party opinion will help create a sense of clarity regarding your loved one’s needs. A nurse with a background in senior care assessment or a geriatric care manager are good third-party options. You can also ask your loved one’s primary care doctor to recommend someone. Allow resistant family members to be involved in the process of selecting outside sources and be open to getting a second or third opinion if necessary.
Visit several communities. Ask resistant family members to partake in the process of selecting senior care communities for you all to visit together. During these visits, observe residents and staff as they participate in activities and events, and watch how staff treat the residents. Ask if you can personally speak to residents and family members about their experiences, and tour as much of the each community as possible. Afterwards, ask your family members to share what they liked and disliked about each community, and be sure to do the same. You may want to record these responses in a notebook for future reference.
Attend a support group or seminar. Suggest that your family members attend a local caregiver support group or a dementia education event with you. A caregiver support group can offer resistant family members a safe place to share their emotions, and dementia education events can help them gain a fuller understanding of your loved one’s needs. All of the Bridges by EPOCH communities host caregiver support groups that are open to the public. You can also check with your local Alzheimer’s Association chapter and senior center for support groups and informational resources.
Arrange a respite stay for your loved one. If you visited a community that both you and your family members liked, arrange a respite stay for your loved one or ask if you can join residents for a day of programming. This will give your loved one and family members an opportunity to experience the community more fully.
It’s common for family members to feel guilty when it comes time to consider memory care assisted living, but guilt shouldn’t stand in the way of your loved one receiving the care they deserve. You can help your resistant family members through this difficult time by remaining patient and understanding, and by reminding them that working together is in the best interest of your loved one. It’s not always easy to admit your loved one may need more care than you can provide, but it’s often the first step toward granting them their most fulfilling, engaging and meaningful life.
