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Top Reasons Why Your Loved One Doesn’t Recognize You (and How to Cope When It Happens)

Monday, January 25, 2021

For family members, one of the hardest moments of the dementia journey (and there are many) is when their loved one no longer recognizes them. “It feels like you’ve lost your loved one to the disease, even though they are still physically there,” says Trish McKay, Executive Director of Bridges® by EPOCH at Trumbull, a memory care assisted living community in Trumbull, CT. “It can be very hard for family members to see their loved one in this stage, and it’s common to want to pull away and remove yourself from the situation.”

Loss of recognition generally occurs in the mid- to late-stage of dementias like Alzheimer’s disease. Sometimes the loss is slight, such as not being able to remember a person’s name or the exact relationship. Eventually, though, it becomes much larger as the brain declines and your loved one’s memory continues to deteriorate. Other behaviors such as paranoia, agitation and anxiety often accompany the loss of recognition. When a son, daughter or niece comes to visit and tries to give their aunt a hug, she may be scared of them because they are “strangers.” That’s tough for any family member to go through.

However, Trish says, even though your loved one doesn’t recognize you anymore, it’s still important to maintain a relationship with them. “It will shift, of course, but they can feel the love that you have for them,” she says. “If you’re there, present and having an enjoyable time with them, your loved one will be happy, and that feeling has numerous benefits – even if he or she doesn’t remember your visit after you’ve left.”

Why Doesn’t My Loved One Recognize Me?

Dementia is a progressive brain disease that destroys brain cells, which is why memory declines along with physical abilities (loss of mobility, balance issues, etc.). Memory loss is the most common reason your loved one doesn’t recognize you, but it’s not the only reason.

Another reason could be that your loved one is experiencing paranoia or a delusion. Paranoid people are fearful and untrusting, while those having a delusion may be having hallucinations or are otherwise experiencing something psychologically that renders you unrecognizable. Delusions also manifest as beliefs, such as your loved one not believing you are who you say you are.

If your loved one’s loss of recognition is sudden, it could be due to delirium rather than memory loss or something related to dementia. Delirium can be caused by many things, including infections, medication interactions, dehydration or other untreated health issues.

Finally, vision loss may play a part in why your loved one is having a hard time knowing who you are. Sometimes those with dementia experience vision decline that goes unnoticed. If this is the case, your loved one may not recognize you because they can’t see you well enough to identify you.

What to Do When Your Loved One Doesn’t Recognize You

Remind them (gently) who you are. It’s always a good idea to announce yourself when visiting a loved one with dementia. It’s helpful for you to say your name and how they are related to you. So, for example, you can say “Hi Grandma, it’s Abby, your granddaughter.” This may help remind them, or it may not. Nonetheless, the connection will hopefully spark a sense of “belonging” even if they may not be able to verbalize it.

Know how to respond. It is difficult when your husband of 50 years doesn’t recognize you, and our first response is usually to point out the facts. However, logic and facts don’t work with those with dementia. Doing so will only increase anxiety and worries. Instead, redirect your loved one’s attention. Talk about your day, or comment on his or her appearance. Point out things you see around you. People with dementia tend to live moment-to-moments, so celebrate those moments instead of trying to “correct” them.

Use validation therapy. If your loved one thinks you’re someone else – such as your mom constantly calling you “Dad” – use validation therapy by asking about the person she thinks you are. Give your loved one the opportunity to share these long-ago memories. Ask what he was like, or what he did and what she loved most about him. Hopefully you will bring up pleasant feelings (and you may learn something new about your family, too).

Don’t get mad or upset at your loved one. Your loved one is not purposefully forgetting who you are. It’s a symptom of the disease he or she is living with. It’s helpful to remind yourself of that when you find yourself getting frustrated or taking the memory loss personally. If you’re going to blame anything, blame the disease.

Look at photos and videos, and listen to music. Bring a scrapbook with you on your visit, or if possible, watch a home movie together. Because the distant past will be more clear to your loved one than the present, she or he will more likely remember the events in these photos. Another great activity is to listen to music he or she loves. There have been many, many studies and cases that show how music is tied to a part of our brains that isn’t affected by dementia, and can cause memories to be sparked and meaningful moments to be made.

Allow yourself to acknowledge the loss. Be kind to yourself and give yourself the space to grieve this loss. Even if you’ve been prepared for this, it’s never easy when your loved one finally gets to this point. Allow yourself to feel your feelings and work through your emotions.

Dedicated Memory Care

Bridges® by EPOCH at Trumbull delivers highly specialized memory care assisted living for those with Alzheimer’s disease or other forms of dementia. Our resident-centered approach focuses on providing dignity, purpose and moments of joy in daily life for those in all stages of the disease. We offer a wellness-focused lifestyle that centers around a resident’s current skills and abilities, not those that have been lost to dementia.

Life-Enriching Programs

Our team members take an active role in getting to know each resident on a personal level to deliver programming that is meaningful to them. We account for the preferences, interests, needs and abilities of our residents to connect with them and encourage their involvement in daily life and boost self-esteem.

Warm, Residential Atmosphere

Featuring a stunning residential design, every inch of our community has been designed to benefit those with memory loss. Attributes such as soft colors, directional cues, aromatherapy and interactive life stations create a soothing and secure environment where residents feel comfortable, safe and at home.

Contact us today to learn more.

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